I am learning to give myself a break. I am attempting to be less apologetic for the way that I feel and more forgiving of my own shortcomings. Blogging, for example, is something that in times past has offered me comfort and peace, but recently it has overwhelmed me. I needed a break. Allowing myself that break, without regret, has brought about some time to think, pray, and deal with my feelings more privately. But I think it is time to share a little bit of what God is doing in my life, in my heart, and in my mind.
Open Hands, Open Heart.
I struggle with being open. Sharing my feelings and thoughts is frightening to me. It is private and intimate. When I started my blog, I had no idea what God would call me to write about. I felt like he was doing so much in my life that I needed an avenue to process and share my feelings. When life got harder, and I got sicker, I needed my blog. I needed to see something good come from it, and I did. I heard from many friends and some complete strangers that connected with what I had to say. It was encouraging and it gave meaning to my suffering. Even though it was frightening to be so transparent in cyberspace, it was completely necessary.
But now, I am not really sure what to say. The truth of the matter is, I am a little miffed that everything I spent my days in the hospital dreaming of has not happened yet. I am not pregnant. Everyone around me is pregnant. But I am not.
I am a planner. I love day dreaming about what my life will end up being like. I have names picked out for potential children (2 boys and 2 girls) and potential new pets. I have a constant "to-do-list" of renovations I would love to do to make our home even more inviting. I have lists upon lists of books I want to read, TV shows I intend to watch, and blogs that I should follow. I make menu lists for the week and shop accordingly. Planning is in my blood and I love it.
So the question I have been asking myself lately is, "What happens when LIFE doesn't go according to plan?"
I think the thing that surprises me over and over again about myself is that I know with so much certainty in my heart that God has a different plan than I do. I have seen his plans unfold in my life and although they rarely match up to my idea of how life should go, in the end they always turn out so much differently, much more perfectly. I wonder, however, how much heartache I could have been spared if I could have learned earlier on to sit back and let God unfold his plan for my life.
My addiction to over-planning came through strongest in my dating life. I learned some hard lessons through terrible breakups, horribly matched prospects, and immature boyfriends. I was quick to be what I thought a good potential wife looked like to prove myself desirable. But God had a different plan. Thank the Lord. I often find myself thinking about what my life would have been like it God had answered my college prayers. I am thankful he did not. Yet, if I am completely honest with myself, I knew all along that God was telling me "No, he isn't for you. Wait...you won't believe what a great man I have in store for you."
People always say that they have no regrets in life. I don't really agree with that statement. Yes, I believe that everything in our lives shapes and molds us into the people that we are. And yes, I also believe that I learned some invaluable lessons along the way. However, it is a sobering thought to realize that if I could only learn to fine tune my ears to listen to the promptings of the Holy Spirit and allow God to direct my paths, my life would look a lot differently, my story less broken and tattered. When I got married, I had my whole heart to give to Josh, but I would have loved to know in my heart that I waited more patiently and that I trusted God's judgment more wholly.
So now, as each month passes and a new cycle starts, as I hear of more friends getting pregnant everyday, as invitations to baby showers pop up in the mailbox, and meals are made for new moms, I am trying my hardest to listen to the very heart beat of God as He reminds me at every corner that HE is in control. I sit with open hands and an open heart and give over control to God. I am reminded in Isaiah 55:8, "My thoughts are not your thoughts, and My ways are not your ways."
"I will say to the Lord, My refuge and my fortress, My God, in whom I trust!" Psalm 91:2
