My Hummingbird

I was able to share this letter with my Grandma last week. I am so thankful that I got the chance to let her know just how special she was to me before she died.

Dear Grandma,

            I have contemplated writing you a letter for quite some time, but haven’t because I didn't want it to be a goodbye letter. I can’t say goodbye. I am not ready, nor do I feel I will ever be ready to say goodbye to you. I have done a lot of soul searching over the past few weeks and have decided that I am going to tell you how much I love you and how much you have meant to me as a way to just let you know. We will never have to say goodbye- no, we will see each other again some day, and I am making peace with the fact that I am going to have to say, “See you later” at one point. However, this is not it. This is just my chance to let you know what an incredible person you are, what you have meant to me, and how fondly I think of you and remember you.

        The more I think about my childhood and growing up, the more I am reminded of how constant you and Grandpa were in our lives. As a mother now, I guess I am seeing how unique this is to have grandparents so close and so involved in the day to day activities of a child. I am grateful for that and feel that your involvement in my life has shaped and molded me into the woman that I am today. Your passion, commitment, spark, and personality have all impacted my life in so many ways. Forgive me for never telling you these things along the way. I am so much better with pen and paper than I am with words when it comes to expressing my feelings and emotions.

        I have a confession to make. I used to sneak into your room and use your cherry flavored chapstick on a regular basis. I would apply layer after layer of your chapstick and then stand in the mirror and brush my hair with your beautiful silver brush. I would look into your hand held mirror and pretend that it was mine and I was getting ready at your house. It made me feel glamorous and beautiful, grown up and not a child. You may have known that I brushed my hair with your brush considering I had long brown hair which would show a drastic contrast to your short white hair- but I doubt you cared. You were always so sweet and patient with us kids. You would make time to talk to us, take us out to lunch, and teach us.

        Speaking of lunches, you were famous for a trip to Carl’s Jr. We would order whatever we wanted including a soda, a rare privilege in our house. We would pick a booth, all cram in and enjoy our lunch together. You were always a good sport about us kids getting up and making ‘suicide drinks’ (what a terrible name!) where we would get a splash of every drink option at the fountain and you would always take a sip of our drinks, just to humor us. Then, with out fail, you would slip a few dollars into one of our hands to go get cookies for us to share after the meal. This was my favorite part about lunch. We would come back to the table with the cookies and share them, stuffed beyond stuffed, but we enjoyed them. No trip to Carl’s Jr was complete without our sweets at the end.

        Then there was the Desert Museum. To this day, I wish they would change the name to the Desert Zoo because it is full of desert life! This is where I learned to love wildlife and to appreciate the beauty of the desert. My friends now, in the Midwest, still tease me about my vast knowledge of the desert, the wildlife, and Arizona in general. I always give you credit. As much as picking a snake up or holding a tarantula gives me goose bumps, I can appreciate them and what the bring to the beauty of the desert because of your knowledge, passion, and commitment to teaching us and passing on your love to us.

        Every time I see a hummingbird, I will think of you and I will smile. You have taught me compassion and kindness to all God’s creatures. A hummingbird fits you so well- quick, graceful, and thirsty for life.

        You are quick and witty. I remember you telling multiple jokes to us a children, some hilariously inappropriate and others that would have us bent over in laughter. Jokes about naked nuns or little bears peeing, your humor will always be something that stands out in my mind. I heard that you even got Bekah the other day with the tinkle in the hand joke. Well done Grandma. That is Palmer initiation at it’s finest.

        Halloween was always something I looked forward to. Most children were excited to trick or treat and collect pounds and pounds of candy; but I liked coming over and helping you pass out candy much more. It felt special and I loved that no matter how many trick or treaters came to the door, you were always so excited to inspect their costume and make them feel special.

        But Christmas will always be my favorite time of the year. Walking into your house, a chill in the air and being overwhelmed with joy by smell the Wassail, seeing you and grandpa in your red sweaters, and being surrounded with the sense of home. This became particularly special to me in college when I needed a taste of the familiar. I could always count on you to make a beautiful meal, table set with care, and the smells of familiar recipes- like cranberry jello, breads, steam pudding, turkey and your famous onion dip.  I needed those meals, I craved that slice of home. You would always let me blow out the candles, even though I know we would make a mess with the wax. Winterhaven will always be one of my favorite parts of Christmas because you and Grandpa made it special, you made it tradition and because of that, it will always be home to me.

        As I grew up and headed to college you always stayed supportive and connected to me. You would drop a card in the mail to say you missed me or update me with news from Tucson. I adored that. I would open my mailbox and see your handwriting on a card and my heart would skip a few beats.

        And then I graduated. I knew you were proud of my hard work and you weren't shy about telling me how proud you were to see me following my dreams.

        Then, I met Josh. I knew right away that he was the love of my life, but I will never forget what you told me after meeting him for the first time. We had taken Juliet, John, and Charlie to the Desert Museum and we had our hands full. You met us for lunch and after spending some time with him, you whispered in my ear, “Marry him. He is good with children and will make a good father.” You saw that in him, and you were right. I am so grateful that you got to see me get married. Having you at our wedding was one of the most special moments of my life.

        But, nothing could prepare me for the day that I got to introduce Hannah to you. Having her meet her great grandma for the first time meant more to me than you will ever know. You were so sweet to her, singing little songs, cooing at her, and holding her close. Those are memories that I will cherish forever.

        Like I said, this is not a goodbye- but I want you to know that you have impacted me in ways that I cannot even put into words. My heart breaks every time I think about you being sick or not feeling well. I want you to be here forever. I want you to kiss my next baby the way you kissed my Hannah. But I want you to know you have lived everyday to the fullest and you have touched my life and the lives of everyone you have met.

        Thank you for everything Grandma. Thank you for taking the time to invest in me and my siblings. Thank you for working hard to make holidays special. Thank you for always thinking of me and encouraging me when I needed it the most. Thank you for the laughter, the jokes, the pranks, and for your naughty whit. Thank you for teaching me to love God’s creation and for giving me an appreciation for nature. Thank you for passing along your genes for big boobs….but most importantly, thank you for being my grandma for 28 wonderful years.

        I love you beyond words and pray everyday that you are well and that we will see each other again soon. You are special to me and I want you to know exactly how I feel about you.

        With all my heart,

                Mary Beth

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