Do you plan on having real kids?
What about Hannah's real parents? Do you talk to them?
What does Hannah's real mom look like?
Did her real mom name her?
Will you be mad at Hannah if she asks questions about her real mom?
We hear phrases like this all the time. ALL THE TIME. When Hannah was first born this was a complete dagger to my heart. I would blink away tears and sarcastically say something like, "When she is screaming at 2 AM it feels like she is pretty real..." or "I feel like her real mother at her beck and call 24/7"
But, I have learned as she gets older and I am asked this more and more, people just don't know how to act or what to say when it comes to adoption and the appropriate language surrounding genuine questions. I cannot speak on behalf of every adoptive mother by any means. I know that I still have a lot to learn about how to be the mother God has called me to be to this sweet girl, but a part of being a good mother to her is teaching those around us how to interact with adoption.
I am Hannah's mommy. Josh is Hannah's daddy. She is our daughter without question. She loves the same foods we love. She makes the exact same faces that we make. She even answers the phone with the exact same intonation that I do. I see myself in that little girl every single day and I am so thankful for that. I think that is why it hurts so much when people use the 'R' word.
Real.
I hate that word.
Any time someone uses that word I am brought back to a deep dark spot of a lot of pain. The past 3 years of infertility treatments, doctors visits, loss, and suffering flood my mind. In that moment, I am not a mom. I am an impostor. I am pretending...and this precious little life I wake up to every morning is just a dream that I don't deserve.
Our words have power. They carry weight. With a simple change in vocabulary, you can break someone, or you can encourage them. If we could all just get over this infatuation with biology, we could see that God makes families, and thank goodness for that!
I can't imagine how much the 'R' word will hurt me when Hannah is old enough to understand what people are implying. All I want for my precious girl is for her to know how much we adore her. I want her to know that she is loved and wanted and cherished. I want her to know that my heart could literally burst when I think about how blessed I am that I get to be her mama. I don't want her to feel anything less than my first choice. I want her to know that I would walk through fire for her, give up every single limb just to prove how much I love her.
I have the utmost respect for Hannah's biological mother. I watched her make the choice to place Hannah for adoption. I hugged her tight. I wiped her tears away. I promised her that I would do what she was not capable of doing and give Hannah a wonderful life. When Hannah asks me about her, I will not be threatened. I know that two very young people loved my baby more than they loved themselves, so they did the hardest thing possible and denied their own feelings for her well being. I stood next to that young girl as she reached into her chest and placed her heart on a piece of paper making me Hannah's mom. I respect her choice to be a birth mother. I respect the fact that she knew she would be giving up the chance to see Hannah grow and change, and that maybe one day when the time is right, she might have a little one that calls her mama. I also respect the fact that she knows in her heart, I am Hannah's mama and though she worked very hard to protect the life that grew inside of her, she let's me be the mama.
So next time you are talking to a family who has been blessed by adoption, bless them with a careful tongue. Make sure your words are showing how much you support them as parents and as a family divinely orchestrated. Make sure they know that you love them and think they are doing a great job raising their children. You have no idea how much good that can do.
.JPG)
