Elated, ecstatic, euphoric, knock-your-socks-off-delighted, oh, and humbled.
That is how we drove away from our three month appointment yesterday.
Let me start by saying that I have had an unexplainable peace from deep within me lately. I wake up feeling blessed, I go about my day feeling blessed, and I fall asleep thinking about how blessed I am. There is no outside source for all the warm and fuzzies. I am just feeling so thankful.
I am thankful that for literally the first time in my relationship with Josh I am finally feeling myself. We have dealt with one painful procedure after another. We have sat in dozens of doctors offices from the time we started dating, hearing tragic news. We had one doctor try to schedule a hysterectomy for us, without batting an eye...he wanted to take away my dreams without even a thought. We made touch choices, ones that promised more pain and sorrow. Choices that were certainly not easy, but were right. We fought tooth and nail for the future of our family.
We have endured painful conversations with friends who had the best of intentions. We have been told countless times to consider adoption. We have even been told that maybe the two of us are just not a great combination and this is, "natures way of telling us..." I have been attacked by people saying that, "Josh deserves a child." We've smiled and nodded on the outside, but on the inside we break. We lay in bed dreaming about what "normal couples" do. We tell people off in the safety and secrecy of our own home because it feels good to get it out.
But lately? Lately we are feeling content. We are feeling blessed. We are feeling at peace. Nothing has changed...nothing, that is until yesterday at 11 AM in our specialist's office in Hoffman Estates. May 2, 2011 will always be in my heart as a day that everything changed.
We have been praying tirelessly. We have asked our friends and family to join us in praying without ceasing. We know that we are surrounded by some amazing prayer warriors, and yesterday, the evidence of that was shining so brightly that EVERYONE could see it.
At my appointment one month after surgery, you could still clearly see traces of left over tumors. They were big dark clouds on all my scans. We were disheartened, but our doctor encouraged us that we might still get pregnant even with the tumors inside of me. He was clear that the road ahead of us would be painful and that we would certainly need his help conceiving. We wrestled with how we would pay for something that drastic, but we tried to be patient. Be patient, and pray.
Yesterday, he ran the same tests on me that he had preformed two months ago. He was silent. He ran additional tests. Again, he was silent. He called Josh into the room. I was so anxious I wanted to vomit. He showed us all the scans side by side- 1 month scans next to 3 months scans. He said, "Your progress is far beyond what I expected. There are no traces of tumors. Go home. Get pregnant on your own. I don't want to see you until you have missed a period. This is nothing short of a miracle."
My eyes well up with tears every time I think of those words. Freedom. Freedom to be young. Freedom to be in love and to try to start a family on our own. Freedom from painful shots. Freedom from having doctors visits rule our lives. Freedom to dream of a future, a bright and cheerful future.
Prayer is a powerful tool. Prayer opens doors. It is a game changer.
I am ecstatic. I am filled to the brim with hope. I am full of Joy.
MY God is HEALER.
