I think that the one thing God is teaching me the most lately is to just be a good listener. It is not in my nature at all to listen. I love to talk and to have conversations and to relate to others. However, I am finding that I tend to talk a lot more than I listen. I don't like that about myself, and it is something that I want to change in my pursuit of being a better friend, wife, and mother.
Over the course of our marriage and becoming parents, we have heard our fair share of others' opinions. I know that it comes from a good place, but almost everyone is an expert when it comes to talking about fertility, pregnancy, and children. I have been told to stand on my head, drink special tea, lay down, stop trying, try harder and the list goes on. It used to really get to me, and if I am honest, sometimes it still does.
Once our sweet addition came, everyone was an expert on how to parent. From sleeping habits, to feeding her, to how to dress her, someone was always telling us what to do or how to do things better. As a new mom, my head was spinning and I was overwhelmed. I struggled with the sneaky feelings that nature had said I wasn't fit to be a mother, and here this baby was in my care and I wasn't doing a good job.
I felt overwhelmed, frustrated, and extremely sensitive. I felt like the next person who told me what to do might get the brunt end of my frustration. I cried about it to a friend one day and she told me that I needed to find balance. She told me that no matter what situation you are in, people have an opinion, and that it isn't a reflection of me as a mother but more so their attempt to help, to be a part of the process, and to support me. She pointed out that I have probably done the exact same thing to others at some point- she is right.
That conversation got me thinking. It allowed me to accept people's opinions and ideas with love and to not be so offended. Now, when someone tells me that I will get pregnant because I adopted (adoption somehow magically clears away tumors, I guess....) I am able to smile, nod, and carry on knowing that they mean well. But more so, I am able to finally see how important it is to just be a good listener, encourager, and supporter.
I've observed what I like to call "Mom on Mom Crimes" on facebook and in friendships. Mom on mom crime is where a struggling mother admits that they are down, having a hard time, or are just venting their frustrations, and other mom's jump on board telling them what they are doing wrong, how to do it better, or what to change. It makes me cringe. It brings me back to sleepless nights where I just wanted and needed support, a grande cafe mocha, or a hug, NOT to be told where I was falling short or what I was doing wrong.
So now, when I see someone struggling or having a hard day, I make it a point to not tell them what to do differently or how to fix their problems. I try to just tell them they are loved, supported or prayed for. I try to put myself in their shoes and trust that in this day and age they are not short on information or wondering what to do. They can google sleeping schedules or talk to their doctor if they are having a hard time with feedings. What they can't do is force their friends to support them. That is in MY power to be there for them.
This concept applies to everyone- mother or not. The single woman (or man) struggling to see God's plan for her future and desires to get married does not need advice on how to find a husband. She needs a friend who listens, prays for her, and allows her to just be honest. She knows about getting out there and all about eHarmony already.
Of course there is a place and time for your opinion, but I am learning how much better it comes across when I wait for someone to ask for my opinion.
Who could you encourage today just by showing your support? Tell someone they are loved, take a coffee to a new mom, call someone who just needs to be listened to today!
