Shh.

When you are upset, do you sometimes feel like saying everything that you are thinking is the only way you are going to feel satisfied? Do you view complete and total honesty as better than mincing words?

In some of my relationships (mostly my VERY close ones) I have always felt like total honesty is always better than worrying about the other persons feelings...That is until recently.

Proverbs 29:11 says, "A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back."

After reading this verse I wanted to scream back, "HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY!" But is it really? If I think back to the confrontation I have had in my life with various people, I can evaluate the times where I have held my tongue and said what needed to be said but was able to do so in love vs. the times where I felt the need to just say everything I was feeling. Being able to say what needs to be said without vomiting all over the other person with emotionally driven accusations has always been better for me. Not that I have always felt that way or done so!

Why does venting feel so good? I do it. I have lots of friends who do it to me. And I enjoy it. I always feel better when it is done. But when are we to keep our mouths shut? Proverbs makes it pretty clear- either you can be a fool who vents all your feelings, or you can be a wise man who hold back. So what now? If we are honest, I think the reason we all feel the need to vent is because we want to be heard. We are hurt, angry, frustrated, or confused and we want someone to validate our feelings. I know that for myself, I am going crazy in the head having one sided conversations or arguments and  I need to get it out to someone else who will 'amen and that's right' my argument. So what's the solution?

I read an awesome quote about this earlier this week. It said, "Distinguish carefully between what is truly right and wrong. If it doesn't fall clearly into either of those categories, keep your personal opinions to yourself. Or pray about them and then, as the Lord leads, reveal them for calm discussion."

Ecclesiatstes 5:2 says, "Do not be rash with your mouth, and let not your heart utter anything hastily before God. For God is in heaven, and you are on earth; therefore let your words be few."

I think from now on I am going to try to be more careful about what I say when I am upset. I need to learn to immediately go to God- not my husband or friends- and pray it out. I think I might save some people a tongue trashing by making this my first move. This might be one of the hardest lessons for me learn.

What about you?

Obedience.

I have been contemplating this word all day...really, all week.

I struggle with obedience. I always have. Rebellion is one thing in my life that I think will always be an issue for me. As I have gotten older and more mature it has taken on a different face. I used to struggle with rebellion against my parents, always wanting to do exactly what they asked me not to do. I am strong willed person which is a strength and a curse all at the same time. From middle school through college I struggled with authority in general. Rules make me itch to break them. Just knowing there is a line drawn makes me want to flirt vigorously with it until I get myself in trouble.

I learned, mostly the hard way, that these kinds of attitudes don't do much for you in the long run and I can truthfully admit that I have learned to cope with my rule breaking rebel stage...except when it comes to God's calling on my life...oh, and the speed limit.

I love adventure. I love the thrill of trying something new, or taking a risk that I know others wouldn't. I worried as a single gal that I would never find someone who was willing to not only let me be this way, but join me in the process. I met Josh...sky diving, traveling, adventurous Josh. Dare I say, he is even more of a thrill seeker than I am? I also worried about marriage in general because I knew that my life would have to drastically change when I got married. No more flying off to Tucson on a whim, or driving all the way to a different state just to say I've been there. I knew that my days of taking random jobs and moving just to change scenery were coming to a close. I worried that this would suffocate me. I have moved 17 times in the last 7 years...I think I might have been a bit addicted to the change that my single-gal days offered.

Now I have Josh. A new home. A kitten. All of these things that offer me roots. Permanence. I rearrange all the time...pictures, furniture, cabinets. And yet, I still get the itch. I day dream about packing up a u-haul and heading to San Diego...finding jobs in coffee shops until we get 'real jobs'. My thoughts are always consumed with what comes next...a baby? A new job? A new house? I need my next thrill.

And yet the still small voice calls to me and says, "Be still and know that I am God. Be faithful. I have called you here. Stop looking around and seeing what everyone else has and wanting. Obey me...I have called you here for a purpose and have great plans for you...but stop being so defiant."

It's funny to me how silly my rebellion looks in the face of the Almighty who has a plan for me. So I sit...literally...waiting.

The "Here I am Lord, send me" would be so much easier for me. Sigh.

 

Forgiveness

I am not perfect. There, I said it. For those of you who didn't know that yet, I am so sorry to dash your hopes. I am no Mary Poppins. I am a sinner with a inkling to do the wrong thing. I struggle with forgiveness, holding grudges, and letting go when someone has wronged me. I don't like this about myself at all, but I am honest enough with myself to face these ugly truths and I know that with the help of God, I get better at dealing with them everyday...well, most days....well, sometimes.

Yesterday was one of those days. I was so angry, frustrated, and hurt and I took it out on the wrong person. I was so angry. I knew what I was doing but couldn't stop myself. I hate feeling out of control like that. After attempting to take care of it my way, and making matters worse in the meantime, I gave up and went to our Wednesday night service. I knew it would be worth the trip, even though I was still BURNING with anger.

I was so very distracted at church. I have a tendency to not be able to turn my brain off when I am mad. I sit there yelling insulting come backs in my head and thinking evil, evil thoughts. Yesterday was no exception.

The worship leader must have been able to hear my brain waves. She had us sit down and encouraged us to ask for forgiveness for any unsettled business that took place before we came in. I am pretty sure she looked right at me as she described the weight that not letting go puts on our shoulders. It was the kick in the pants I knew I needed to get me back on track.

That's just the thing about forgiveness...Jesus has forgiven me of much. How can I deny people forgiveness and yet still be thankful for what Christ has done for me? When I think of all the wrong that I have done, the hurt I have caused, and the bitterness I have allowed to form in the light of Christ's forgiveness I am humbled. My anger, contempt, and bitterness seems very small and insignificant. Colossians 3:13 came to mind, "Bear with each other, and forgive whatever grievances you have against one another. Forgive as the Lord has forgiven you." This verse makes it clear.  There are no if, ands, or buts. Forgive. God forgave you, you forgive others.

I am so overwhelmed with joy that God loves me enough to remind me of His character. His qualities that draw us to Him and force us to be better. I am not perfect....but I am working on it and I am filled with JOY that He is working on me- despite myself.
 

Friendships

This week has been one of those weeks where I am able to be really and truly be thankful for such wonderful friends.

Over the years, I have met hundreds of people moving, changing jobs, churches, and just being young and in college. I am so grateful for the friends I have met and maintained good healthy friendships with along the way that honestly have really impacted who I am.

People say, "It takes one rotten apple to spoil the bunch..." I disagree with this. It really takes one rotten friendship for me to look at my other friends and be thankful, grateful for their kind spirits, their loving hearts, and their ability to accept me for who I am...flaws and all. That one rotten apple this week made me stop and thank God for you.

This post is for my friends- thank you for being good to me. Thank you for respecting me as a person and my opinions, even when you don't agree with me. Thank you for the joy you bring me and the peace I get from knowing that you've got my back! I think my life would be very boring without you....

I LOVE MY FRIENDS!!!

Joshua N. Meyer

Joshua Meyer. My heart throb. The favorite part of my day- by far.

This weekend I had one of those pinch-myself-because-this-can't-be-my-life-weekends.

My best friend came down to see our house for the first time since we have been married. We live in a condo so it isn't huge, but I think it is a beautiful home and I am proud to share it with friends and family. I am so grateful to have a place to call home after living like a nomad the last 7 years. I have a huge sense of pride when I share our home with friends because I didn't get your typical bachelor pad when I moved in with Josh. He was very intentional to make this a home, something to share and be proud of. I love him for that because he couldn't have understood how crucial that would be for me to feel safe. Friday was one of those nights where I felt really blessed to be able to share our home with a dear friend.

Saturday, Papa Meyer and the Meyer kids threw us a party to celebrate with those who we love who were not able to make it to our wedding. I wasn't sure what to expect because our wedding had been such an incredible day, I didn't really foresee it being nearly as special. I was so very wrong. It was incredible to sit with friends and family and talk without the crazy emotions of our wedding day. I wore a white sun dress and felt bridal all over again. Looking through pictures and talking to friends and family about our marriage reminded me of how madly in love I am. I am not sure what I did to deserve such an incredible gift, but that's just it, God likes to give us gifts JUST because...

Sunday, the sermon was about intimacy. It was a very interesting topic for a Sunday morning. I blushed. A lot. But it was a gift, a time to stop and think about how intentional we are in our relationship. After church we were able to witness the baptism of our new nephew, Joshua Edmond Palmer. My brother Josh asked my husband Josh to be our nephew Josh's godfather. Yeah, that's right...3 Joshs. How blessed am I? Joshs are the best.

I a filled to the brim with Joy on this Monday morning. I had the realization this weekend that if God said, "That's enough blessings for you..." today, I would be blessed far beyond what I deserve and I can say honestly in my soul, "Thank You God. You are good. period." But I am even more blessed when I stop and consider that he has even more in store for me....

Like I said, one of those pinch-myself-because-this-can't-be-my-life-weekends.

The Ahhhha Moment...

Josh and I have been married for four and a half months. We love being married. We love coming home to each other everyday and eating dinner, catching up on TV and then crawling into bed with a little smooch goodnight. I am almost at the point where I can't really remember what I did before I was married to Josh. It is such a good feeling.

However, we have had a hard four months. Challenges like job changes, combining lives, moving to a whole new area, medical issues, and paying off a wedding have made it hard. I keep telling him, "These are the stories we will tell our kids!" You know those stories, right? Walking barefoot uphill in the snow???

The last 24 hours has been especially challenging. Josh tested positive for the BRCA2 gene, which to sum up, is a gene that makes it VERY likely that he will get cancer in his lifetime. We have prayed fervently over the last few weeks that he would not have this terrible gene, but found out yesterday that he does. Begin the testing...

Over the past four months, I am finding that being joyful has a lot to do with being thankful. When I am able to look around and list the things I am thankful for, I am able to be a much more joyful person. This has been my Ahhhhha Moment!  When I get down or frustrated with how much seems to be coming at me all at once, I find that if I take the time to list off the things that I have to be thankful for, I am filled with JOY! I start to see life a little differently. Credit card bills from our wedding make me thankful that we were able to have such a wonderful day becoming husband and wife. The loads and loads of dirty laundry make me thankful for a washer and dryer and huge walk in closet to hang my clothes! Even getting a positive BRCA test makes me thankful for four months with my husband- I have witnessed a dear friend widowed after only 2 months of marriage bliss. I am a blessed woman!

Finally figuring out how to look at any situation and find the 'silver lining' has forced me to be a more joyful person. I am glad for that because without it I am not sure I would be enjoying life so much. It forces me to say thank you to God for all he has done and to look around and know I will be okay despite what comes our way!

Weekend Bliss

Weekends are my favorites. I love knowing that for two days I get time with my husband to relax, do what we want to do, and just spend time together. Our weekends usually get crazy. We like to say yes to everything and spend literally every minute of our two days living life to the fullest. Generally, I have Mondays off so I am able kind of catch up on life on Mondays...the laundry piles up, the dishes, and other chores. But, weekends? I am completely committed to loving life and doing as much as possible on my weekends.

This weekend was no exception. It is funny to me that on weekdays, I can't seem to get myself out of bed and off to work on time because I am so sleepy!!! But on weekends, my eyes pop open bright and early and I am ready for the day! Not to say I get out of bed right away- but that is part of the fun...being able to lay in bed and snuggle and enjoy not being rushed is incredible.

Then there are Sundays. I love Sundays! There is something so special about knowing we get to spend time with the Lord and fellowship with His people. Usually Sundays involve a delicious meal and a nap or time with family and catching up with friends. Sundays are my emotional recharge for the week.

Weekends bring me a lot of joy. They are there to rejuvenate us and prepare us for the week of hard work ahead. To me, they are sort of the "You made it!" Saturdays and "You can do it!" Sundays of my week.

What did you do this weekend? Did it bring you JOY?