Attitude

May I just start my blog by saying one big, giant Thank You! I have received countless emails, phone calls, and texts offering support and kindness and encouragement. I have had busy friends drop everything to sit and talk to me, bring me dinners, or take us out to lunch. The outpouring of kindness on the Meyer Household has been incredible. When I decided to make my struggle with this life altering sickness more public than private, I never imagined how blessed I would be by peoples generosity with their time and resources. I knew God wanted me to share because this is MY story and God will be Glorified in it. Not for a moment did I stop and think about what a blessing it would be to have friends and family praying for me all around the country (and world) in a time where that really is exactly what we need. So, THANK YOU. I know I have been bad about replying to every single email or message but I figured, a general thank you would suffice. Know that your kindness has changed our outlook on this entire process.

To catch you up on the medical side of things...

I started my hormone treatments a week ago today. I get an injection of the devil medicine one time every month. The medication is supposed to literally put my body through menopause instantaneously with the hope that the tumors will begin to die off. The tumors grow off of the estrogen that my body produces. My body is producing too much estrogen which is literally fueling the fire. The injections I am receiving are stopping that production completely and basically starving the tumors for 3 months until my body is strong enough to endure surgery.

Menopause is horrible. I imagine it is unpleasant to slowly go through these changes...but to walk into the doctors office as a 'normal' 25 year old and leave as a menopausal woman experiencing my own personal summers in the middle of November is horrible. I am nauseated by the quick changes, I cry for no good reason, and I just feel off. I sent contracts to my close friends and family making them swear that after 3 months of this they will still love me and not judge my irrational behavior!

I have had several people express their surprise that my surgery was done so quickly...to that I say, "Me too." The doctor felt it was necessary to break my surgery into 2 parts. That decision was made very quickly and within the week I was having the procedure. This first surgery was the 'easy' one in which he removed one of the tumors causing me the most problems. It sat low enough that he was able to go in with minimal damaged and remove parts of it. That should allow space for the rest of my organs to be okay and no longer be pushed out of the way. The next surgery is way more invasive and will require much more recovery time.

I am still exhausted and ready for bed at around 6 pm every night, but everyday I feel a little stronger. I think my determination not to let this run my life helps me get through the pain. I am working extra hours to get ready to take 6 weeks off but honestly, filling up my time helps. The less time I have alone to sit and feel sorry for myself, the better.

That sort of covers the medical side of things...as for the emotional side....

I have spent the past week or so really being convicted of my attitude. Life often is not what we wanted it to be. We are constantly faced with bad news, pink slips, funerals, divorce, rejection letters, miscarriages, painful break ups, or the ending of dear relationships. Those challenges don't go away. I have never met a person who was untouched by these painful experiences. The key in all of this, I am starting to discover is our attitude. I have every reason to be as angry as a hippo with all that is taking place in our lives right now. I feel icky most of the time. I am tired. I have little desire to do anything other than sleep. Yet, I refuse to let that run my life.

I am living in the midst of some really sweet firsts. I am experiencing my first year of marriage to a rock star of a husband. I am a first time home owner trying desperately to find the perfect pictures to hang on the walls. I am experiencing my first year in a new (and wonderful) family. If I let this year be about doctors visits, blood work, IV's, hormone injections, and pain, then the tumors win. I am defeated and for the rest of my life I will remember the pain and not the good. I choose to separate my desire to feel sorry for myself and embrace the joy that God has given me. I choose to go to Grandma's for Halloween the day after my surgery because the tumors will not win. I choose to look at a brand new baby and fight the urge to feel jealous and angry because  GOD has a plan, and "my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways." (Isaiah 55:8)

Believe me, it is a challenge. Some days I wake up more willing and ready to fight than other days. But I will win. The tumors will not cast a shadow on all the joyful things this life has to offer me. I refuse to have it any other way.

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: (in case you didn't hear me the first time...) REJOICE!"
(Philippians 4:4)