Mother's Day has been painful for me in the past. Being so far away from my own mother, it makes days like this feel a little lonely. Oh yeah, and there was the whole not having children part that made Mother's Day particularly painful for me.
My journey to motherhood started well before I was married and actively trying to get pregnant. It started when I was 21 years old and told by my first doctor that I needed a hysterectomy. There have been several doctors that followed who agreed. Every time I heard those words I would check that doctor off my list and move on. I was not going to take NO for an answer.
Once Josh and I got married our lives were consumed with doctors appointments, specialists, tests, shots, and surgeries but we never took our eyes off the prize.
And then, one day, we got that phone call that Hannah needed a home. Our lives were forever changed. Sometime I still weep when I think of what a miracle she is. The thing that gets me today is that God knew from the get go that she was going to be my daughter. He knew that despite my pain last Mother's Day that he was already shaping and forming my sweet little girl. I am blown away by God's timing and grace in my life.
I have always struggled with insecurity and feeling a little invisible. Today I don't feel that. Today I feel loved. I feel important because the Creator of the Universe hand picked this child to be mine. Today I feel blessed beyond words.
When I was blogging about my struggles to conceive I would get dozens of emails and messages from couples who were struggling as well. I loved that aspect of my blog because it felt like there was good coming out of my pain; I was able to relate to people and encourage them because I understood. I have struggled a bit with the identity of my blog now that I am a mom, feeling a little guilty using this forum to talk about my life, struggles and all, because I am a mom.
Yet, I feel compelled to say to my readers who have walked this road with me, if you are struggling because life isn't turning out the way that you planned, take heart. God loves you, he sees you pain, and He has a plan. Don't take your eye off of the prize. Pray about it, work hard for it, but mostly trust God to provide. My journey to motherhood certainly did not go the way I imagined it would. I still struggle at times with that- I wouldn't want any other baby than Hannah, but I would have loved to feel her kick first and to be there the second she first cried out. But, her story and ours is beautiful and powerful and leaves all eyes pointed towards God.
I don't know what the future holds for our family. I know that my hearts desire is still very much to get pregnant. I pray that God has more adopted children in our future as well. Whatever the case my be, I know that every time I get discouraged, all I have to do is look at my sweet baby and I am brought right back to what is most important. God is good, no matter what stage of life we are in.
This Mother's Day I am celebrating the gifts that motherhood has brought me in just four short months. I held my baby in church and cried the most joyful tears as I looked at her and celebrated a gracious God who heard the cries of a young girl. God has given me the desire of my heart and despite the pain along the road, my heart feels full and happy today. The bumps and bruises seem to fade away.
Happy Mother's Day to those who are mothers and those praying to become mothers. My prayer is that whatever phase you are in right now, that you would feel loved and blessed knowing that God hears your prayers and is working on your behalf.
Love, Love, Love!!!! Happy Mother's day, Sissy!!
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