Applause in April

I know I am a few months behind in my birthday posts, but I will attempt to catch up now.

I am a part of women's Bible study at my church. Just like everything else at Willow Creek, it is done with excellence...and a whole lot of women. Last semester, I was a participant. I hardly missed a study and slid in on time every week, homework completed even if that meant doing it in the car sitting in the parking lot moments before walking in. But this semester was a little different. Our little group of moms needed a leader, and I decided to step up to lead. I am one of the younger moms for sure, but I relied on my teacher instincts and my all around love for women digging deeper in God's word, and volunteered without hesitation.

It is a 2 hour long study. We meet as a large group for an hour of teaching and then break into small groups to talk about our homework and how the lesson is impacting us. I was just to facilitate the small group and steer the conversation along the way. Oh, and this meant no more cramming homework before class. I actually needed to write thoughtful responses to each question as we often discussed them in our leaders meetings before class and I wanted to be prepared in case someone in our group had questions about the lesson.

I love this sort of thing. It energizes me to be a part of helping women grow and connecting with them on a spiritual level. I want women to grow in their faith and I love being a part of that process. I felt at home leading, opening and closing in prayer, asking thought provoking questions and watching our group of young moms gel together.

As I have shared before, February was heartbreaking for our family. We experienced great loss and spent the better part of March and April finding our bearings again. We hired an Adoption Consultant and really put our money where our mouths were as we began to ask God very earnestly to bring us another baby.

Our Bible study topic only fulled this fire in my heart as we studied the names of God. Digging into the Word and learning about God as Provider, Healer, My Banner, Protector - it all pieced me back together and helped me to stop asking God "WHY me?", and start focusing on how He showed up in that entire process.

Then it was time for the last meeting of the year. I knew in advance that there would be an open mic and that our teacher was interested in hearing how God used this study in our everyday lives. From the second I heard about this time for sharing, I got the distinct feeling that God was nudging me to share.

I love to write...I can tell you about my innermost struggles with a pen and paper - no problem. But, I am NOT a public speaker. I would rather get up there and teach than talk about anything emotional or deeply personal. My heart races and my palms get sweaty just thinking about talking about my heart. Add a room full of about 150 women and the fact that I still cry every time I talk about our adoption falling through. I was a nervous wreck for an entire week knowing that God wanted me to share but also knowing that it would be extremely uncomfortable for me.

I didn't even tell my husband that I was going to share. I knew that if I did, he would be nervous for me and I would insist on him talking me out of doing it. So I wrote down a few notes, and when the sharing time came, I somehow managed to get out of my seat, walk to the front of the room, and talk into a mic about the loss that we had experienced that semester; but also the Grace that God had shown me through the study as He reminded me that He is there for me all along the way. It wasn't pretty...I had tears and snot running down my face,and I sounded like a little lamb trying to talk through a shaky, tear muffled voice. But I did it.

The outpouring of love from that day still amazes me. It was like one more level of healing for me to have complete strangers hug me and sympathize with me. Through tears, one woman told me about her very similar experience adopting. She gave me her phone number and we've talked about the pain that only someone who has walked through a failed adoption has experienced. Another woman, holding her two month old cried as she hugged me and said, "I don't know why God let me bring my baby home from the hospital and you weren't able to."  It was something that I had silently wondered as well since she came back to Bible study after giving birth. She took my email and before I had even left church, she had sent me a CD on iTunes that has been a huge part of my healing process.

Acknowledgement of pain is part of the healing process. For me, in the month of April, it took stepping far beyond my comfort zone and sharing my heart to bring healing and to give credit to the Lord for what He has done in my heart along the way. It always feels good to know you've been obedient to what God has called you to do, but for me it was another reminder that I am not alone in this process.