Cheers to 32!

Wow, I am 32 today! I feel like just a few years ago, I was bar hopping for my twenty-first birthday. And here I sit in the family room of my own home, with my dog laying next to me and my two precious girls snoozing upstairs. I loaded the dishwasher a few minutes ago without being asked, and I have a smidge more than a $1.72 in my bank account, so I am clearly figuring out this adult thing well.  So much has changed and yet I am still totally the same girl I've always been- wild, silly, full-steam ahead. Everything has changed, and yet everything is still the same.

When I turned 30, one of my best friends told me that this was her favorite time of her life. She told me it was a different milestone type birthday that freed you up to really be who you are and not care so much about what everyone expected from you. She was right. This new decade has come with a lot more boldness to just be me, no apologies or explanation. Take me or leave me....but I'll always be me, so please don't leave me.  I need friends. Like actually need them. Friends are like oxygen to me, and I crave good quality connections more than anything else in life.

But maybe not more than laughter. Good, deep, belly laughing is like medicine to me. I sometimes cover my mouth when I am in public because I want to laugh so much harder than feels appropriate for any given situation. Year 31 introduced me to the Enneagram and it all makes so much more sense. I am a 7 - always ever seeking fun, and I am okay with that.

The Enneagram taught me that the wild and free stirrings I feel deep in my soul are actually God given. So when I need an adventure and doing the mundane things in my life starts to feel like I am suffocating, I am not being irresponsible by giving into the whims that take me here and there.  Rather, I am being me, and it makes God smile.

This year also brought the most intense sadness that I have ever experienced, sadness that might have choked out a younger me. But, I am old enough now and comfortable enough in my own skin to sit with this and let it all out. I am heart broken that my son died. I miss him every single minute of every single day. But, I am still me. I am both the dark, deep sadness that I carry and the light joyfulness that God put in me before I was even born.

This past year brought a level of friendship that I have so desperately longed for.  It brought me women who love me so deeply and walk alongside me no matter what, women willing to sister me even when I am not sure how I feel (my feelings are completely mixed and messy sometimes), women who love me for me (even if I am dark and twisty - an emotional space I am so not used to).

And then there's this sweet guy I am married to. He is just so darn faithful to me. He loves me no matter what. He tolerates my ups and downs and holds me close when I cry. He is my biggest cheerleader and closest friend. Every year gets a little sweeter with him.

A friend this week talked about 'staying in her lane' in regards to doing what she knows she was made to do and not letting other things, no matter how good they are, grab her attention. It has really stuck with me. Most of the time I feel like a total lane changer- "OH! That lane looks fun! Look what she is doing..."  So this year, I am going to focus on staying in my lane and doing the things I know I was made to do while allowing others to do their thing. What a concept, huh? I will not let FOMO get the best of me! For a 7, this is actually mind blowing. Stay in your lane, MB, no matter what parade comes along to grab your attention. I am the Grand Marshall of my own parade!

So here you go 32 year old self. Be kind to yourself. You are doing the best you can. Your car is messy, it just is, but it doesn't define you. You have it together in so many other areas of your life. Let it go. And sometimes you are the Pinterest mom everyone wants to hate on. Whatever. You love making crafts and baking and creating your home. And sometimes you drive by Jewel and grab a batch of premade brownies because playing with a friend was what called to you over going home and crossing another task off the list. Keep running hard after God even when you are out of breath, tired, and sweaty, and you feel like you cannot take one more step. He is moving and you know it, so don't give into the temptation to sit on the couch and watch Bravo until you can go back to bed. Love harder. Be kinder. Give more. People are so much more important than things. Be gracious. Laugh hard in public. Be the most MBizzle you can be and make no apologies for it.

Here's to 32! I have a feeling this year will be one of the best years ever.