Desperate.

Have you ever been completely and totally desperate? Desperate is a word that we throw around a lot in our culture...we are desperate around Christmas time to find the perfect gift, to get our hands on tickets to a sold out concert or to get the baby to take a longer nap. We are desperate to find love or to get an interview for our dream jobs. But is that true desperation?

I have been toying with that word since Wednesday. I know I have used the word desperate to describe many situations through out my life. However, I guess I am not sure it was ever the right choice of words to use.

The most desperate situation that comes to mind was during my student teaching experience in college. I was leaving the school I taught at after a brutal day. I felt degraded, unappreciated, and worn down. I was already crying when I got in my car. I went to call my mom to debrief and realized I had left my cell phone on my bed. I turned my car on, drove out of the school parking lot and on to the main road. At this point the tears were really starting to pour down my cheeks but it was also starting to pour outside. It was one of those horrible spring days in Illinois where the sky isn't sure if it wants to rain or snow, so it does both simultaneously. I was stopped at an intersection when the man in the car next to me honked his horn. I rolled my window down and he pointed to my passenger side tire and said, "Your tire is VERY flat." I drove through the intersection and parked my car in an empty parking lot. I sat in my passenger seat for about 10 minutes crying even harder before I zipped up my coat, pulled on my gloves, and summoned the courage to dig in my trunk for my spare tire.

Like any good father, my dad insisted that I learn how to change a tire before I got my drivers license. I think that on a perfect day, inside our garage, using my dad's jack I could have changed that tire...but add the tears, the sleet, a tinny little jack that looked like it was made for a toy car, and directions written on the back of the wheel cover, I was rendered helpless. Cell phone-less, cold, and miserable I got on my knees (in a skirt) and attempted time and time again to use the jack. I felt helpless, foolish, alone and desperate. The longer and harder I tried, the harder it got. The harder it got, the more I cried. The more I cried, the lonelier I felt. I finally just gave up. I threw the jack down and sat on the cold and wet pavement in my skirt and cried.

Then, the sweetest man drove by. He was driving a huge truck covered with Marine Corp stickers which instantly told me I could trust him. He jumped out of his truck, introduced himself and took over. He insisted I sit in his warm truck, handed me a box of tissues and told me he was going to take care of everything. Ten minutes later, my tire was changed and he insisted on following me to the tire store.

I will never forget that story. I knew that it was God's way of saying, "I care about you...you are not alone." Yet, I know that was not the most desperate situation. I could have easily walked to the mall and called a roommate or gotten a tow truck to come. It felt desperate, but in actuality, it was far from that. It was inconvenient and poorly timed, but desperate is a stretch.

I guess along this journey that God has me on, I am learning a few things. I am learning that more often than not being joyful is way more of a choice than a natural reaction. I am learning that rarely does my being joyful have much at all to do with being happy. I am also learning that I am a prideful person.

I rarely ask for help. I have a can-do-attitude and really only feel comfortable truly asking for help from a very select few. I am not good at taking people up on offers to help, not because I don't trust them to do a good job, but mostly because I hate being seen as weak, vulnerable, or needy. That is something I am becoming more aware this year and I am really seeing it come into play as I recover from my surgery. I get stronger everyday and need less from others.

Yet, in my relationship with God, I think this attribute is hindering me. The Bible makes it clear that God is waiting for us often times to ask him. Countless stories are testaments to the fact that the Heart of God is for His people. The Spirit moves on behalf of those willing to show desperate hearts. Women like Hannah, Sarah, and Rachel show hope and faith in something that seems so unattainable. I want to pray fervently like Hannah did that God would bless my womb and that I would be able to experience the gift of motherhood.

That's where I am right now. I want to be desperate for God to move on our behalf. I want to be so unashamed to ask for God to intercede on my behalf that I literally let my pride melt away and ask with urgency knowing that it is my only option. I want to be desperate. I want to admit that in my own human body, even with the very best doctors around I am inadequate, but WITH GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE. (Matthew 19:26)

I Am Alive!!!

Hello Friends! I have gotten so many phone calls, texts, facebook posts and messages, and cards. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate all the love and support and concern. I don't think I will ever have a minute to respond to everyone individually, so I wanted to thank you all at once and give you an update on how I am doing and how everything went.

Last Friday we checked in at 6 AM. The time was changed the night before from 2 PM to 6 AM and it was a huge blessing to not have to sit around the house waiting for the surgery. I had to stop eating on Wednesday so I was pretty ready for it to be over and done with come Friday! The surgery started at 7:30 AM and I was coming to around 1:30 PM. Learning from past experiences, I usually wake up from surgery pretty out of it and afraid. This was no exception and after about 5 minutes of screaming for Josh, the nurse finally went and got him and let him stay in the recovery area with me for about an hour and a half. The nurse said that my blood pressure and pulse were super high until Josh got there and then I calmed down. I just laughed when I heard that because I had asked if it would be possible to have him wake me up so I wasn't afraid and was told that under no circumstance were visitors allowed in the recovery room...unless you can scream loud enough I guess...

I was moved to a room on the PEDS floor because the hospital was so full, which of course meant that I had a roommate. The pain was pretty unbearable but they had me on a morphine pump every ten minutes and a pump with local anesthetic right to my incision.  

The doctor removed 27 tumors. I still get chills when I think about that number. We have a picture of all of them and it honestly makes my stomach turn to think that all 27 of those life sucking tumors were once inside of me! Unfortunately he was not able to remove all of the tumors because of the damage he would have to do to my body, however, he did remove the ones causing all the trouble and he thinks that after about 3 months he will be able to go back in with a much less invasive procedure and remove the smaller ones.

Sunday night I was finally able to eat my first meal. I ordered Mac-n-cheese and ate maybe two bites, but it was my first bite of food since Wednesday and it was delicious.

Monday afternoon I was cleared to go home! I was really excited...until we stepped in the door and I saw our stairs. I think it took me about 30 minutes to get all the way to the top and I vowed to never leave the house again. You never realize how much you use your abdominal muscles until they are cut open!

Once I got into my bed, our sweet kitten was so excited that I was home, he jumped RIGHT on my stomach. One phone call to my mother-in-law later, he is now on vacation with his Grandma until I feel like I can trust him again.

I did pretty well the first few days at home. I was uncomfortable but my mom and Josh made sure that very little time passed between taking my pain medicine. Unfortunately, I woke up Wednesday morning with a pretty high fever and felt miserable. My fever continued to climb until around 1:30 when Josh decided to take me back to my doctor. They checked me back in and did various tests to rule out infection. The doctor said that my white blood cell count was on the low end of normal and that because my hemoglobin levels were so low my body was going into shock. I went in the day of the surgery with a hemoglobin count of 12.2 (nearly perfect!) and came out with an 8.1. They did not want to give me a blood transfusion but decided to give me giant heaps of iron to help my body level out a bit. I felt better almost instantly and was allowed to go back home again that day.

As of today, I basically just sleep and watch my shows on TV. Reading requires too much attention and talking on the phone is exhausting! I try to get up and walk once every few hours, but my walking consists of walking from the bedroom to the couch and back. My mom had to return to Tucson, so we are attempting to make do without her. Josh has arranged for friends to stop in everyday to check on me and sit with me. I am now able to use the restroom by myself but sometimes if I lay still for too long I am not able to sit myself back up. Mentally I am very bored until I try to do something and realize that my body is tired and can't take very much. I have basically given up pain medicine unless I am really hurting or need to sleep.

So there you have it! That's sort of the gist of what is going on over here! I have had several friends ask if they can stop over or bring food- I am terrible about reading emails or texts in my sleep and not remembering to respond to them. So, if you can, please ask Josh! He knows what is going on in this house...I don't. His email address is hcyo@aol.com.

Again, thank you so much for the love and support. We feel so incredibly blessed and cared for!

It's Time!

First things first, I have never seen so much snow in my life! The drift in front of our front door is so high that we can't really open it! I will have to post pictures later, but I am really liking it! It is a little frightening to look out the window and not be able to tell where the snow ends and the sky starts, but it is beautiful and sort of majestic (as long as I can stay under my blankets on the couch!)

As some of you know, Friday I will be having my surgery. I have appreciated your prayers and kindness along the way. I would also appreciate your prayers on Friday. I will be at St. Alexius in Hoffman Estates for between 2-4 days. At that point I will be back home to recover for about 6 weeks.

Everyone keeps asking me if I am ready. I am not sure how one gets ready for such a thing, but I think I am as ready as I am going to get! The tumors have gotten a bit smaller over the past few months because of the treatment I have received but more importantly, my blood count is finally a healthy level for surgery!

Again, thank you for your prayers and hopefully I will be able blog once I am home again. I am sure I will go stir crazy in about 3 days, so blogging will be helpful!

The Poor. The Widow. The Orphan.

I have spent an entire month writing this blog in my head...and still as I write I am not sure what to say. I have gone from one extreme to the other in my thoughts and have ended up angry, sad, and frustrated. So I decided I am just going to write and see if I work anything out.

I am passionate about feeding the poor, caring for the widow and the orphan. I have spent many sleepless nights knowing that we as Christians aren't doing enough. I hate knowing that there are hungry people, worried about waking up tomorrow, walking around while we have plenty. My husband and I take pride in wasting very little in our home because we have both seen poverty first hand and we know that although the "starving children in Africa" will never see the wasted dinner that goes into the trash can, we want to show our gratitude for what God has given us.

This Christmas, we flew home to Arizona. It was a good-for-the-soul kind of visit. I needed to be recharged, to gain my bearings, in a time when I am feeling a little battered and beaten. I took full advantage of spending time with my family. My mom was asked to serve as a translator and sort of a case worker for a family that her Sunday school class had adopted and cared for over the last two years. She had sort of filled me in on the details of the family, and my heart breaks every time I recall the suffering that they face on a daily basis.

The family is large. There are eight children and a mom and a dad. They live in a small trailer park on the far south side of the city. Their story is not unique. I am pretty sure it is the same suffering that many families face in Tucson and all over the country. They are illegals. Well, some of them are. The dad appears to be a hard worker. He is willing to do whatever he can, be it legal or illegal, to provide a roof over their heads and put food on the table.

Let me first say, I by no means want to take a political stance on this situation. I am grateful for what the police and border patrol do to protect my home state. God knows the situation there is scary and near impossible. I don't have the answer. If I did, I wouldn't be writing this - I would be waving my magic wand and fixing the situation! But at the end of the day, we still have thousands of suffering human beings, and I for one cannot leave them hungry and hurting. They are people. Paperwork should never stop someone from helping those in need.

I decided to tag along Christmas Eve Day to spend a little time with my mom and to spread some Christmas cheer! I thought it would be an uplifting way to spend the morning delivering gifts and a Christmas dinner to a family who was in need. We were meeting a fellow Sunday schooler along the way. From the moment that she stepped foot in our car, I could tell that she had never seen poverty before. She filled us in on the family and all that the Sunday school class had done for them over the past two years. However, I could detect anger, hostility, and maybe a hint of prejudice in her tone.  She wanted to get them on their feet so they could "take care of themselves."

Again, don't get me wrong - I am totally for teaching and educating people so they can be self-sufficient! I have helped devastatingly poor people apply for jobs and build resumes. I have written dozens of reference letters. I have filled packages of seeds for families in Africa so they can have their own farm. I get that. It is important, critical even, to teach and disciple people so that they can one day see the light at the end of the tunnel.

However - how, in the moment, with a hungry belly and a nagging fear for the future, can we expect a family to learn for and care about next year, if they can't even see past tomorrow? We want people who barely make ends meet to think about saving so they can move out of rented space, or to 'invest' so that they can make money in the long run. When someone is hungry, they are living in the moment. When I am hungry, I have a hard time focusing on much else until that need is fulfilled, and I have never come home to an empty pantry...

The woman made the mistake of expressing her distaste and disdain for this family's handling of their finances and legal affairs to us. I think she thought we were all on the same page. She was suspicious of the family, positive that they were taking the money and gifts from the class and squandering them. The basis for her concerns has to do with a one time gift of $500 to the family to move their trailer to a different, cheaper location. The family never moved...duh. If I never had money for food or clothing for my family and someone handed me $500, I am guessing you wouldn't see me packing up to move, even if in the long run it would save me money. Again, I ask how you can expect someone who doesn't have their basic needs met to see past tomorrow, or the next meal for that matter?

I unleashed. Perhaps it was the Depro-Lupron (my shot), or perhaps it was a long time coming. I am sick and tired of Christians not living up to their potential. I am hurt that we sit there arguing about theology and philosophy, but we so often let the hungry continue in their suffering. I am angered that children in our neighborhoods go to bed hungry because we choose to live in a state of ignorance, and believe me, to that sweet child, ignorance is not bliss.

I feel like I have spent the last three years repeating the exact same thing. We, as the Body of Christ, cannot tell people about the love of God if we are not willing to show it. We cannot tell people about the Bread of Life if we are not willing to give them the bread that they need to continue living.  We cannot keep talking about a God who meets our needs if we are not willing to roll up our sleeves, get our hands dirty, and physically feed the poor, care for the widow, and clothe the orphan. It is time for us to accept the fact that 12.9 million children in America are living below the poverty line. That isn't just a number, those are children who play, sing songs, jump rope, and dream. I hope with all that is inside of me that we as believers can start given them something to dream about...

So, as we give, serve and help, please for the sake of those in need, do so with a joyful heart. I can promise you that if it came down to lying, stealing, or swindling to fill my babies bellies, I would. Give so that moms and dads don't have to make that choice!

"So let each one give as he purposes in his heart, not grudgingly or of necessity; for God loves a cheerful giver."
2 Corinthians 9:7

Desires and Goals.

I had the privilege of sitting under one of the more humble and meek teachers I have ever met. He was one of those teachers who cared much more about who we became than who we were. As a senior in high school, I think we were sort of in limbo between those two phases in life. We were torn between living in the moment and starting to look into the future as we made crucial decisions regarding our futures. We were still children, however. This man got up every single day in front of us and taught from his heart. I have a feeling he knew that what he said often fell on deaf ears but he planted the seed anyway. We were too busy dreaming about prom and trying to figure out how we would manage to get out of Tucson and on to bigger and better...But he spoke truth and the words he said still impact me.

He talked a great deal about the difference between our goals and our desires. He said that our goals are things we can achieve- things we work hard for knowing that our hard work will pay off. It is something we strive for in hopes of seeing a result. In the dictionary, a goal is defined as: a result or achievement in which effort is directed or aimed.

When I think of goals- I think of running a marathon. You train...running a little more every week. You prepare your body and your mind for what is to come. You work hard, pouring blood sweat and tears into this goal knowing that on the date of the marathon, your hard work will pay off. My friend, Grace, just ran a marathon. She trained hard, with a specific time in mind. She worked every single day to achieve this goal. On 10-10-2010 she ran in the Portland Marathon and blew her goal out of the water. Her hard work paid off. That is a goal.

Then there are desires. A desire is something that you hope for in your heart. It is something that often times we have no control over, but we want nonetheless. The dictionary defines a desire as: to wish or long for, to crave and want. Our desires are things we often pray for with great hope that the only One who has any say in granting those requests will hear us and find favor with us.

What our brilliant teacher in high school reminded us of is that sometimes we let our desires become goals- which is dangerous and often times heart breaking. We let our desire to find a mate become a goal and start pulling our our check lists. We let our desire for having a calling in life become a goal and we take job after job just to find them all not fulfilling. We let the things we want in our heart of hearts slip into the "Get it done" category in our heads and we tread thin ice. When we take control over our desires, we leave little room for God to work on our behalf. These words were spoken into my life over 8 years ago- yet I am still catching on to their meaning.

Josh and I knew before we got married that having children would be difficult. It was something we both desired passionately and were willing to do whatever it took to be able to see that desire come to pass. However, it is the perfect example of a desire- a gift from the Father that only he can give. Not long after we got married, that desire was granted. We were elated. From that moment on, our family was 3 instead of 2. We prayed constantly for our baby. I loved feeling sick because I knew that my desire was being granted...I woke up horribly sick every day around 3 am-

Until one day I didn't....it was the most painful experience physically, mentally, and spiritually that I have ever experienced. Josh and I were devastated- one of those crying-on-the-bathroom-floor experiences. We went over in our heads countless times what we could have done that would cause this. Did I forget to take my vitamin too often?  Was it the theme park we visited not knowing we were pregnant? Was it the antibiotics? Or was there just not enough room for a baby?

The closer our due date gets, the more I wrestle with this idea of goals and desires. I am working on making sure that my goals reflect my life as a Christ follower. My goal is to follow after Christ, to be a godly woman who works hard to be a witness to what Christ has done in my life. My goal is to love deeply and serve those in need. My goal is to be faithful to my calling despite everything around me that discourages me or disappoints me. My goal is to spend time with my Father despite the busyness that is always there.

But my desires? My desires need to be hard and fast rooted in Proverbs 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." My goal is to be delighted in the Lord...he will handle the rest.

Merry Christmas faithful readers- From my family of two to you, may your anticipation of Christs coming overrule your "To Do List"...

Birthdays

Today is my Birthday. Yippee! I love, Love, LOVE my birthday. I always have. I am 26 years old today and still, I count down every single year until my special day comes. I just love being celebrated and having one day to just feel special.

I am in the middle of celebrating, so I am sure there is much more to come. So far I have had breakfast in bed, flowers, a present from my honey (complete with a sweet, sappy card!), a birthday sign from the little one I babysit and some really thoughtful gifts from his family. I have received several phone calls and voicemails, countless texts and facebook messages. I feel celebrated, appreciated, and adored. I am just fine meeting my 26th year of life surrounded by the people I love who I know I can lean on when the going gets tough and life takes twists and turns.

I decided a few years ago that instead of making New Years Resolutions I would make birthday goals- Goals are so much more positive and exciting. I like who I am...I have worked hard to become the person I am...why change it all because the year is changing? Why not build upon that list?

Last year Josh and I sat down and wrote out a list of the goals we wanted to achieve before the next birthday. We picked one for every year old we were turning (Josh picked 28 and I picked 25). It was a fantastic way to spend our year checking things off. Our lists included various goals, some we had control over like going to a murder mystery dinner and others we did not, like getting pregnant. It gave us memories of our year and a reason to keep living an abundant life even when we didn't really feel like it.

What a blessing at the end of my 25th year to have checked so many things off my list. I am grateful to have been given yet one more year to live life to the fullest. I was given the chance to marry an incredible man, have a beautiful wedding, gain an amazing family to add to my already incredible and supportive crew, traveled ridiculous amounts, gained another sweet nephew, become a home owner, and the list goes on!

Bring it on 26! I can't wait....

Christmas Cheer

I adore Christmas. I pretty much can't even enjoy Thanksgiving because I know that Christmas starts the minute Thanksgiving is over. I am like a child, pressing my face against the glass looking out for Santa Clause from the second I am excused from the Thanksgiving table straight through the month of December.

I am sitting on the couch right now, listening to Christmas music, in front of the Christmas tree just smiling as I think about what the next few weeks will hold. Family, food, presents, and celebrating the birthday of the Most High...what could be better?

Usually I am right in the middle of the mix on "Black Friday". I am guilty of setting my alarm for ridiculous times, rolling out of bed and grabbing a stick of gum as I run off to spend my hard earned money on shirt and tie sets for my dad that are 75% off. I have fought down to the bottom of the barrel of DVD's with cranky middle aged women who are literally shoving DVD's down their coats. I have witnessed brutal attacks, including a man falling in a bin of what once was Snuggies...he should have moved faster. They take no prisoners. It is brutal. I have always loved it, not for the savings as much as the fact that the first shopping trip ushers in the start to the Christmas shopping, and as I many have mentioned before, I adore Christmas. This "Black Friday" Was different.

Our kitten woke up not feeling himself on Thanksgiving. I ended up spending the better half of Friday at the vet with little Simon. He is fine now, but he had a massive bladder infection which very well could have killed him. Thanks to our sweet and caring vet, he is back to being the little pest we love. While I sat in the vets office, I was really thinking about the start of Christmas.

I found myself sort of enjoying not being a part of the rush. Avoiding the hustle and bustle of the sales gave me the chance to go home with my little kitten and decorate. I summoned the courage to get the ladder out and brave our attic. I pulled all our Christmas decortications out, put on some Christmas music (Josh Groban of course...) and transformed our home into a winter wonderland. As I was setting up the Nativity, I found myself thinking about the Christmas Story. I paused for a while with Mary in my hands...

Mary was about 10 years younger than me. She was a virgin anticipating being married. I have been a bride before, I know what it is like to look forward to marrying a good man. God chose her because she had a good and pure heart. He asked her to do something painful and humiliating, and because of her obedience she was able to give birth to Jesus. I am really excited that my parents named me after this incredible woman.  I realized, that when we let God use us, when we are faithful and willing to surrender our will to God's will, good things happen. We celebrate those good things all year, but especially in December. Treasure this busy time. Enjoy shopping for something that lets your family know that you love them and care about them. Bake delicious treats with love for those around you. Embrace the season and let a little carol stir in your heart as we take an entire month to celebrate the birth of our King.

I am thankful for Mary's sacrifice of her reputation and willingness to surrender her entire body to God's will. I think that all my recent sufferings in that area of my life make me so much more thankful. What a gift- and the promise to us is that when we move out of the way and allow God to do His will, He will do what is best for us all the time, even if we don't always see it as the best.

What makes you joyful during the Christmas season?