Jumping in May

This May we visited my family in Tucson. My brother and his wife and my cousins all go to one of those trampoline parks every Monday for exercise. Before our trip I had told him that my one request was that we jump while I was in town.

They honored my request and we all met up for a night of jumping. I was a little nervous, but I have always loved trampolines and knew in a matter of time I would be confident and jumping like a pro. I've always been a more cautious person, but I like to try new things. This translated into me being willing to do it all along with my family but watching everyone else do it first. My big thing when we got there was flipping into the foam pit. I had to do it. I knew I could do it...but doing it was an all together different thing.

As a child, I could do flips on the trampoline without hesitation! I would land on my feet and do it again. But as a sensible mother and grown up, this proved to be more of a challenge than I guessed it would be.

My sister-in-law patiently waited for me to conquer the flip. I would bounce, bounce, bounce and tell her "count down from 5 and I will do it."  This lasted for about 5 straight minutes until finally I just decided to do it. I was all in. I tucked my chin to my chest and propelled my body forward. I landed in the pit feet first with a smile that stretched from ear to ear. I did it.

Isn't that how life works? We build up enough courage to muster one little flip into a new situation or new challenge. It feels risky and dangerous but we have to do it, going all in, knowing that the outcome will be worth it. All it took was one quick second of bravery and I was in the pit and felt like I had just conquered the world.

I know a trampoline park isn't life altering, but for me, it was a step in the right direction, a reminder that I am able and brave and that I can do hard things.

Applause in April

I know I am a few months behind in my birthday posts, but I will attempt to catch up now.

I am a part of women's Bible study at my church. Just like everything else at Willow Creek, it is done with excellence...and a whole lot of women. Last semester, I was a participant. I hardly missed a study and slid in on time every week, homework completed even if that meant doing it in the car sitting in the parking lot moments before walking in. But this semester was a little different. Our little group of moms needed a leader, and I decided to step up to lead. I am one of the younger moms for sure, but I relied on my teacher instincts and my all around love for women digging deeper in God's word, and volunteered without hesitation.

It is a 2 hour long study. We meet as a large group for an hour of teaching and then break into small groups to talk about our homework and how the lesson is impacting us. I was just to facilitate the small group and steer the conversation along the way. Oh, and this meant no more cramming homework before class. I actually needed to write thoughtful responses to each question as we often discussed them in our leaders meetings before class and I wanted to be prepared in case someone in our group had questions about the lesson.

I love this sort of thing. It energizes me to be a part of helping women grow and connecting with them on a spiritual level. I want women to grow in their faith and I love being a part of that process. I felt at home leading, opening and closing in prayer, asking thought provoking questions and watching our group of young moms gel together.

As I have shared before, February was heartbreaking for our family. We experienced great loss and spent the better part of March and April finding our bearings again. We hired an Adoption Consultant and really put our money where our mouths were as we began to ask God very earnestly to bring us another baby.

Our Bible study topic only fulled this fire in my heart as we studied the names of God. Digging into the Word and learning about God as Provider, Healer, My Banner, Protector - it all pieced me back together and helped me to stop asking God "WHY me?", and start focusing on how He showed up in that entire process.

Then it was time for the last meeting of the year. I knew in advance that there would be an open mic and that our teacher was interested in hearing how God used this study in our everyday lives. From the second I heard about this time for sharing, I got the distinct feeling that God was nudging me to share.

I love to write...I can tell you about my innermost struggles with a pen and paper - no problem. But, I am NOT a public speaker. I would rather get up there and teach than talk about anything emotional or deeply personal. My heart races and my palms get sweaty just thinking about talking about my heart. Add a room full of about 150 women and the fact that I still cry every time I talk about our adoption falling through. I was a nervous wreck for an entire week knowing that God wanted me to share but also knowing that it would be extremely uncomfortable for me.

I didn't even tell my husband that I was going to share. I knew that if I did, he would be nervous for me and I would insist on him talking me out of doing it. So I wrote down a few notes, and when the sharing time came, I somehow managed to get out of my seat, walk to the front of the room, and talk into a mic about the loss that we had experienced that semester; but also the Grace that God had shown me through the study as He reminded me that He is there for me all along the way. It wasn't pretty...I had tears and snot running down my face,and I sounded like a little lamb trying to talk through a shaky, tear muffled voice. But I did it.

The outpouring of love from that day still amazes me. It was like one more level of healing for me to have complete strangers hug me and sympathize with me. Through tears, one woman told me about her very similar experience adopting. She gave me her phone number and we've talked about the pain that only someone who has walked through a failed adoption has experienced. Another woman, holding her two month old cried as she hugged me and said, "I don't know why God let me bring my baby home from the hospital and you weren't able to."  It was something that I had silently wondered as well since she came back to Bible study after giving birth. She took my email and before I had even left church, she had sent me a CD on iTunes that has been a huge part of my healing process.

Acknowledgement of pain is part of the healing process. For me, in the month of April, it took stepping far beyond my comfort zone and sharing my heart to bring healing and to give credit to the Lord for what He has done in my heart along the way. It always feels good to know you've been obedient to what God has called you to do, but for me it was another reminder that I am not alone in this process.

Masterpiece in March

March came faster than I was prepared for. In the aftermath of losing the baby that we saw ourselves parenting, I found myself struggling just to get out of bed in the mornings. I would force myself to go about my day, always pausing to think about her, what could have been, and what will never be. Having an adoption plan fall through is hard. Like a miscarriage, it feels like a death, not just of a person, but of a dream and a future.  Unlike a miscarriage, the reality is that this baby is out there, being cared for by a mother who at one point did not think she was capable of motherhood. It haunts you if you let it - fear of the future crippling you and the pain of the 'what if' echoing loudly in your ears.

The Lord knew I would need some life breathed back into my soul, and as He always does, He had already provided for me emotionally. In January, before this storm hit our house, I had decided to take my birthday and Christmas money and buy a ticket to visit my best friend in the Seattle area. As always, the thought of maybe having a baby in the meantime had crossed my mind, but we try to keep living in this season of waiting. My trip was scheduled well before I knew just how badly I would need some time away, time to laugh and talk with someone who knows me inside and out.

Leaving my husband and little one is always hard for me, but I knew I desperately needed this. I boarded the plane, never sure what to do on a flight now without a diaper bag, Leap Pad, and enough snacks to feed/occupy a small country. I read my US Weekly, took a little snooze, and prayed...prayed a whole lot. I've battled the deep sadness that comes with loss before, sometimes more gracefully than other times. We call them clouds, and I could feel the clouds starting to brew into a storm - a storm I was was seriously afraid of.

I got off the plane and waited for my best friend to pick me up. As soon as I saw her car round the bend, I prayed that God would restore me and make me whole again with this trip. I climbed into the car and the love and friendship I felt coming from the driver's seat was palpable.

We zoomed around the Seattle-Tacoma Airport area, two girls with nothing but time and a love for life. We had made reservations for one of those wine and painting classes.  You know, one of those classes that makes you think you are actually pretty talented because you've sipped lots of wine and the teacher told you exactly what to do. We went to our class, ready for a night of laughter and Van Gogh's Starry Night. As predicted, we were both pretty impressed with our untapped painting abilities...or maybe it was our ability to actually follow directions that impressed us. There were lots of "I like your stars better than mine" and "Your village is way cooler than mine." More wine, and lots and lots of laughs.

I was intrigued by how the painting was done step by step more so than the final product. A little brush stroke of dark blues and black made for a section that looked dark and ominous...and then in with the lighter strokes - white, sky blue, and light blues in all different hues...each stroke going in the same direction with purpose, but all individual and distinct marks swirling around to make a night sky.

Later that night, as we turned the lights out and went to bed, I couldn't help but think that this is how life works. We are a work in progress - a lighter section one mark at a time, happy moments in our lives that fill us with joy, a stroke of a warm hug from a close friend, a new job, an answered prayer. And then there are some darker strokes, even some darker sections.

By Mary Beth Meyer

For me, growing our family will always be mixed with some dark spots. The whole topic of family, be it pregnancy or adoption, comes with both light spots and dark spots. Hannah's life is a huge light patch in our lives. The rest has been hard and painful - a mix of gray, blacks, and browns. But the point is, with every single brush stroke there is a plan. The Master is still working on his masterpiece. He knows before a single section of my canvas is painted exactly what strokes need to go into it to make it beautiful. He knows the delicate mixture of contrasting colors that will make it breathtaking.

What a beautiful, perfect lesson to learn three months into my 30th birthday challenge. I still have days where I feel like I am chasing the clouds away, but I am much more confident knowing that the Artist has a plan and that the end result will be beautiful.

FeBRRRRuary

The whistle of the wind whizzing past me...

The cold air chapping my skin...

Muscles engaged, well aware that they had a job to do...

One thought on my mind - "do not fall down"...

This Arizona desert rat tackled the slopes. That's right - I went skiing! I know there are loads of Arizonans who love to ski (including my dad), but I have always firmly been against all snow sports and avoided contact with snow at all costs. But this winter has been a little in your face and made that harder to avoid. Chicago has had over 6 feet of snow this winter! It's been impossible, so instead of fighting it, I embraced it and went skiing.

After an hour long ski lesson and countless trips down all four levels of the bunny hills, I decided it was time to graduate to the actual slopes, chair lift and all.

Standing at the edge, looking out over the 'blue square' (more difficult) slope, I was literally shaking with nerves, excitement, and anticipation. I had stayed upright for a good two hours at that point and I wanted to do this, but felt that little cautious bug I've always had telling me that it was too much.

Josh looked at me and said, "Do you want me to go first or do you want to?" Without even answering him, I stuck my poles in the snow and started pushing towards the edge. He yelled, "You've got this babe!" and with that I edged my skis downward, and away I went!

It was exhilarating. I could feel my stomach in my throat the whole time, but I realized that not only could I do this, I was doing it. I let out a "WOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOO!" all the way down the slope.

My goal was to ski before I turned 30. I thought this would be one of the harder ones that I signed myself up for, but I did it, and it felt freeing and energizing.  I felt alive.  That feeling came at a time I needed it most...

Earlier in the week, after a year of waiting, Josh and I got the phone call we had been praying for. We were picked to adopt a baby who had already been born. Her birth mom was ready to meet us and wanted us to join her at the hospital the next day. We flew around cleaning, pulling clothes out of storage, washing the infant car seat, and took a quick trip to Target.  We could hardly breath.  It was almost here - we were going to be parents again!

And then, in an instant, it was gone.  We got a call from our social worker the next morning as we were getting ready to leave for the hospital. She told us that the birth mother changed her mind and decided to parent. Just like that, we crashed, falling into a pile of skis and poles, snow flying everywhere. We laid flat on our backs assessing the situation. Were we okay? Could we still breath? Was anything broken?

Going into our second adoption, our eyes were wide open to the fact that it could fall through. We are not unaware of the risks of domestic adoption, but nothing prepares your heart for that phone call. It's like a bad fall on the slopes.

But, what I proved to myself that day on the slopes was that I can get up, I can try again, and I can be successful. Life isn't worth living if we stand back and pass up opportunities because of the fear of pain and loss. We might fail. We will fall. But we can get back up and give it another try because we know God is faithful and will give us the strength and patience that we need.

On a cold day on the slopes in Bartlett, IL, God reminded me of his faithfulness yet again, and I am back on my feet, ready to tackle the next challenge because I know that I can.

29...12 months to 30.

I turn 30 this coming December. There, I said it. In years past, this would have killed me. I would have been devastated to think that my twenties were coming to a close and that a new chapter of my life was starting. But, I have made it my mission and resolution to gracefully turn 30 this year.

Here is my plan:

Each month leading up to my birthday I am going to do something brave, different, and out of my comfort zone. My life doesn't always have to be at risk, but it does have to be something I wouldn't normally do. Each month I am going to blog about it and explain why it was so NOT me and what doing it taught me. I am certainly open to suggestions and also for anyone who might be interested in joining me along the way.

-JANUARY-

My brother JJ is all that is man. He has more swords, knives, and random other weapons than I have tubes of horrible pink lipsticks. He is 6'6 with a size 19 shoe, and he rides a motorcycle around town... and he owns it. My whole life I have been known as JJ's sister and no one ever believes that I am older than him because he is just so dang big and manly. Over text before our trip to AZ this December we talked about needing some brother/sister time and the idea of going to the shooting range to spend some time with his girlfriend - a Remington 1911.

I was down. I have shot a few guns and riffles before, but never had much experience at an actual range shooting a target. I knew JJ was the man for the job. He is funny, lighthearted, but he knows his stuff and would keep me safe and be patient with with along the way.  We set a date, and our spouses were totally okay with us having brother/sister time together.

The morning of our shooting date, JJ came over to my parents house on his motorcycle to hang out. We are a pretty laid back family and before we knew it, it was time to go shooting...but JJ had his motorcycle. My mom needed her van that afternoon as well. No matter how we worked it, there wasn't time for JJ to go home and get his car and come back for me to go shooting. In that moment, I decided to be brave.

My good friends know how truly brave this was for me, but I, Mary Beth Meyer, road a motorcycle.

A few years ago one of my best friends was killed on his motorcycle. He left behind his bride of two and a half months and me swearing motorcycles were pure evil. I loved Eric Johnson so much that I couldn't help but blame his bike. If he had been in a car, would we have had to say goodbye to him so quickly? One minute I was Ashley's maid of honor and two short months later I was helping her plan his funeral. It was a whirlwind of tragedy, broken hearts, and fear.

And yet in that moment, when presented with the chance to be brave I decided that I had to do it. You see, since Eric died, I have really struggled with trusting the Lord with my safety and the lives of those around me. His death left me reeling, feeling lost and confused. I couldn't see past my pain and see that God had a plan for my sweet, soul sister Ashley. All I could do was blame drunk drivers, motorcycles, being in the wrong place at the right time. As if God wasn't in control and didn't call Eric home to himself.

So I kissed my baby and husband goodbye, I jumped on the back of JJ's bike and I road. I road for Eric, I road for my brave friend Ashley who has faced fear head on, and I road for myself. I acknowledged my selfish, sinful heart and asked the Lord to protect me. For the first few miles, all I could say to myself was "my time is in His hands".

I lived to tell about it and felt like I could move mountains at that point. You see, no matter if I am on a motorcycle, grocery shopping at a Safeway, teaching in the inner city, or sky diving, I belong to the Lord and He will protect me.

So cheers to facing one of my biggest fears in the first month of my challenge! And be careful, I have a killer aim.

Meyer Rules

Go. See. Do. Taste. Touch. Smell. Go.

From the moment that Josh and I met, I knew there would be a lot of adventure. A suitcase in hall bathroom spilling over with dirty laundry is about as common in our house as a trip to Costco. We love to go. We love to see and do. We love to experience and visit new places. From big trips like Belize to weekend getaways like Minnesota, us Meyer's live to GO.

Our first trip together (San Juan Islands, WA)

When we first started talking about the family that we would have together, we made one thing very clear, our children would experience the world around them. Josh has traveled far more than I have, but we both had this thirst to see it all. We wanted the same for our children. There is something magical that happens when you get out of your own space and start seeing the world around you, and we wanted to instill that value in our children.

Mount Rushmore, SD

So we travel. We take every single opportunity we can to go see new things, to experience culture and cities for ourselves. We read about different places. We can name the top 5 restaurants in any given city we travel to. Whether weekend trips or week long trips - we take full advantage of every chance we can to go, see, do.

Hannah has been on 16 flights and to 14 different states. She has traveled to more places in her 22 months of life than some adults. Even though she is young, we can tell already that she has the same thirst for adventure that her parents have. From hiking in the Grand Canyon, to sinking her feet in the black stone beaches of Hawaii, our baby is catching on to the glory of the vast world around her. She reacts, she explores, she grows with each trip we take her on and every new experience that she encounters.

Grand Canyon (South Rim), AZ

We know that this love for adventure is what makes our family tick, but beyond that we feel strongly that we bring Glory to God when we move beyond our little condo in Carpentersville and experience life together as a family on the road. 

A few weeks ago, when we were in Arizona for my grandma's funeral, we took a few days to drive up to the Grand Canyon and hike in Sedona. Watching my little girl hiking in front of me with her daddy, it struck me that the family values we are trying so hard to establish are so deeply impacted by our traveling. 

Coconino National Forest, Sedona, AZ

We have some ground rules we live by when we check out a new place.

1. No complaining. Things don't always go well, the food sometimes isn't what you had in mind, the AC isn't always as cold as you would like it to be. Too bad. That is a part of the risk you take in leaving your comfort zone and it is completely worth it. Complaining about it doesn't change anything, it just ruins the trip in your mind and in the minds of others around you.

Punta Cana, Dominican Republic

2. Compromise. We vacation differently. Josh needs to check out every single nook and cranny of the place we stay at. I hate this. I need to get organized and put my clothes in drawers. So I do that and Josh scopes it out. We haven't always done this well, but as soon as we could put words to the way we felt (my anxiety over not being organized and settled, and Josh's frustration over not knowing what you can do and where to go to do it), we were able to give each other what we needed to set our trip up from the minute we arrive to be a good experience.

3.When in Rome, Do as the Romans. Try new foods. Ask the locals where to eat. Order something you've never heard of. Try the local brew. Our rule is, if we can get it at home, we don't want it on vacation. Avoid chain restaurants, with some exceptions (we love to visit McDonald's in other countries and regions because of the crazy menu items).

San Antonio, TX

Sweetie Pies, St. Louis, MO

4. Go. Vacations for us are not about relaxing. We have no intention of sitting around in the hotel room. Turn the TV off and GET OUT. For us, we play hard all day and sleep hard all night. We don't overdo it at the bar because we want to make every minute of our trip count. We don't have time for hangovers or upset tummies. 

5. Push yourself, but don't be pushy. Josh loves dangerous activities like skydiving or para-sailing. I love risky activities like swimming with stingrays and sharks. We quickly in our marriage determined that neither one of us is going to change our feelings about these activities. We both push ourselves to try new things, but we try not to be pushy about making the other person do something they don't want to do. I get a rush out of feeding an eight foot wide stingray and Josh thinks about Steve Erwin. We let it be and enjoy our activities, and support the other person in their experiences.

Shark Ray Alley, San Pedro, Belize

(our guide was teaching me how to do this)

6. Take pictures. No one can capture your memories and your experience better than you can. We take two cameras and we take a million pictures. We see things differently, we capture what is important to us and we have those memories to last us a lifetime. 

Haleakala Sunrise, Maui, HI

7. Turn it off. This is the hardest part for me, but go unplugged. Turn off your ringer, store your phone away in the safe, and be present. I love to share my life and have to be really careful about this. I allow myself check-in's everyday to answer texts, send a few pictures, and post on Facebook, but the trips I've enjoyed the most are when I put the devices aside and live in the moment.

8. Be Flexible. Sometimes itineraries and plans have to change. Sometimes it just doesn't work out. Sometimes your sunny week in the Bahamas turns into a week of tropical rain. Figure out how to have fun despite the changes. You can't change some circumstances, so be willing to go with the flow and let the trip evolve into something new and different. 

9. Be Bold. Josh lives by the motto that you never know if you will ever be back in that situation ever again, so ask to try something new. When we were in the Bahamas at Graycliff Cigar Company, we watched famous Cuban cigar rollers work. We struck up a conversation with one of the rollers and she said that she is the only person in the world who makes this particular type of cigar and she had made them for Fidel Castro. Josh boldly asked if she would show me how to do it. She stood up, told me to sit down and helped me roll a cigar. It was an incredible experience, one that I will never forget. I was so glad my husband asked - the worst she could have said was no.

 

Graycliff Cigar Company, Nassau, The Bahamas

(Now there are two people in the world that know how to make this kind of cigar!)

10. Be intentional. This is the biggest one for our family. We live very intentionally so that these trips and getaways are possible. I am a stay at home mom, but we budget to be able to take these life changing, important trips. We shop at Aldi, wear Old Navy clothes, and eat at home instead of eating out whenever we feel like it. We cut corners whenever possible to make these trips happen because they are a priority to us.  We value the lessons we learn on the road and what they do to shape and mold our family culture. I will eat off brand peanut butter any day of the week if that means I get to spend time exploring with my family. 

 Blue Lagoon Island, The Bahamas

(Swimming with Jake, the star of the movie Flipper)

As our family continues to grow (Lord willing), we want to put a high priority on traveling because it teaches invaluable lessons that build character and shape us and our children to think beyond ourselves. 

What are some of your travel rules?

Little India

There has been a lot of sadness lately both in the news, with friends, and in my own personal life. From friends suffering miscarriages, to a good friend dying, to my first experience with losing a grandparent, there have been a few more tears shed lately than normal. In moments like this I have tried to teach myself to dig deeper and to find things to celebrate, things that bring me joy despite the suffering around me.

- Little India - 

Groupon is a budget line in our house. For two complete experience junkies, mixed with my husbands Dutch bloodline and the need to feel like he is getting a deal, we often find ourselves buying a deal of the day. The conversation usually goes like this, "Honey, did you see the Groupon today for....", "Yes, I already bought one...should we maybe buy two??" 

So when Josh told me he had found a Groupon that toured 'Little India' I was not surprised, but very excited. Indian culture has always grabbed our attention. Josh spent a few weeks in India before we got married as his last single man trip. Since he came back, suitcase loaded with teas and spices, jewelry, and clothes, we have been plotting a trip to visit this land full of so much culture and color. But in the mean time, a tour of Little India in Chicago will have to do. 

Josh brother showed up early to babysit, a total treat to know Hannah would get a date with her Uncie Adam while Josh and I had some much needed time together. We left and started to make our way down to the north side on Devon Street. We were supposed to meet our guide and owner of the tour company Spice of Life Tours at a book store before visiting different stores, restaurants, and a salon for a gorgeous Henna tattoo. We got there a little early (a true sign that we had a babysitter that day) so we did a little poking around before we headed to the book store. Instantly we could smell the spices and all around goodness of Devon street upon getting out of the car. 

We noshed on a few Indian snacks at the book store as our guide told us a little bit about his background, why he leads these tours, and what our experience would be like. I will give you a little photo tour:

I found this in a book about infertility (very common in India). Excellent advice.

They even had some Indian Barbie Dolls!

We visited a dress shop. The Sari I am wearing was $500 and it was GORGEOUS! 

Seriously, I am obsessed with all the bright, beautiful colors! 

My groom makes a handsome Aladdin!

Next we were off to get our Henna tattoos. The woman who did them was incredible. She took about 2 minutes doing each of our tattoos and they were all completely different and so complex! The henna smells really good too. I of course had to buy some- I mean, it's a dream come true to be able to rock a tattoo for a few weeks before it washes off! 

Then we went to our first restaurant. I am hesitant, however to show you pictures of the food because, well Indian food kind of looks like baby poo....but it tastes so good! I love the use of bold spices that are off set with something sweet and cold. Did you know that the average India dish has 7-9 spices in it?! 

        

We also visited a Hindi Temple. We didn't take pictures inside the temple out of respect to worshipers there, but we did have to take our shoes off and cover our heads.

This was an incredible experience. I have been burning incense and drinking tea everyday since our trip to Little India. I even tried my hand at some Butter Chicken on Sunday! It was really yummy. Hannah has asked for 'pretties' everyday since we got home as well. All in all, it was an incredible experience and has totally fulled the fire to visit India SOON.