Goals and Discipline

Okay, so I have admitted before that I struggle with authority (see Obedience posting) and that a huge part of my life I have spend really bucking at rules. I had a huge realization this week about how much my self-discipline is impacted by this.

I am a second born. Worse, I am the only girl with 4 brothers. My whole life my parents have used words like colorful, bright, creative, outgoing, friendly, bossy, outspoken, opinionated, strong willed, whimsical, and vibrant to describe me. I don't dislike that at all. I love being a colorful person. I say what comes to my mind- to a fault. I value friendships and being honest and open. Being unique is something I have striven for my whole life...

Yet, I am figuring out that the one word that I have never heard or would use to describe myself is disciplined. My brother Josh, the first born, is and always has been disciplined. He wanted to increase his vertical in high school so he mailed away for this ridiculous jumping program. He faithfully got up in each morning and jumped...we could hear the thumps on the wall as he trained his body to jump higher and higher. The pay off for his faithfulness was when he broke the school record in rebounding. 

I wanted to jump higher....I got up one morning to do the program...but there must have been a pretty flower to smell or something because my coach could barely slide a piece of paper under my vertical! 

My entire life I have wanted to be dedicated to something...to be the girl who was willing to do anything to get what she wanted. Yet time and time again, I give up. I know I want to spend more time with God so I make a weekly chart...commit to getting out of bed early to pray and read the Word. The first day, I am feeling strong...I wake up. Sit at the counter...read 3 verses and decide that, "This will be a prayer day..." crawl back in bed...and before I know it, I am late for work. I have grandiose ideas to start new businesses, or new career paths. I have sent information requests to about 40 grad schools for all sorts of different programs from social work, to education, to cosmetology. Even my diet is a constant battle. I exercise faithfully for a week just to lose sight of my goal and grab a secret bag of gummy bears at the grocery store and eat them before stashing the evidence.  


I had a realization this week that really got my attention. Habits are hard to break but new habits aren't any easier to form. For years I have woken up to my mom sitting at our dinning room table reading her Bible. I guess I just kind of figured that's what moms do. But the older I get, the more I realize that habits like that are made from determination and discipline. She isn't aching to leave her warm bed every morning to spend time with God, but she knows the payoff is worth the pain...she is a Martha.


For years I have used my name as a crutch...Mary was the one who valued relationships and sat at the feet of Jesus listening to what he had to say instead of fussing over what needed to be done. Martha was the worker, slaving away for her company. I think it is time to start being more of a Martha. 


I am challenging myself to start forming some new habits. To commit to doing things the hard way if necessary because I can see the end goal. I am committing to valuing hard work and dedication despite being uncomfortable and feeling lazy. I know that this will be a painfully hard process, but I like where it is going to take me.


From now on, I will be the colorful, fun, DISCIPLINED girl....here we go!