Digging Deeper.

I know that it has been a few a little bit since I have posted- I wish it was because I have been fabulously busy flying all over the world vacationing. I have made a few attempts at posts, but walked away from them because they sounded just as confused as I have been feeling. 

This week I met with the specialist who confirmed that I would be needing surgery. The worst part of the news is that my body is not strong enough at this point to have the surgery. I have to wait it out until January- in the process going through all kinds of tests and medications to prepare my body for the surgery. I think I would rather the doctor say, "You need surgery. How does next week sound?" Three months? Three long grueling months of testing, pocking and prodding?  Three months of dread each and everyday about what is to come... 

The last time I had this surgery, I was given about 1 week to mentally prepare. I was hopeful and optimistic that it wouldn't be so bad and that I would recover in no time. That was not the case. I had a 4 night stay in the 'slammer' that were by far my most painful and horrible memories in my lifetime. I swore I would never have this surgery again...I would never take those dreaded first post-surgery steps...or even worse, that first nature calling. And here I am again...signing up for number 2.

I think that when I dig a little deeper, I am finding myself really questioning God. It has very little to do with the actual surgery (despite the pain) and a lot more to do with the fact that I am afraid of the outcome. To be frank, this surgery stands between having children and not. Because this is my 3rd surgery (2nd MAJOR one) the risks of not being able to have children bust through the roof. My doctor is the very best and has assured me that 99 out of 100 women, "get their happy ending" which is wonderful odds...unless you are that 1. 

I have really had to dig deeper this week. I have had to confront some painful memories from the past that I know I will have to face again- including questioning God and his plans for my life, and future family.

I think this is by far my most honest and open blog. I can only see them getting more honest from here on out. I am confronted with feelings of fear and anxiety. Yet, over all these things, God continues to say to me, "Cast all your anxiety on me...because I care for you..." 1 Peter 5:7. Or Psalm 37:4, "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart..."

It will be a long 3 months of repeating verses like that- confronting fear and anxiety with the Word of the Lord.

What verses do you use when gripped by fear?