Today while packing up for Christmas with family, I was struck with the overwhelming feeling of gratitude mixed with extreme sadness. I am a reflective person and milestones like holidays always make me think back on my life and the road to where I am today.
Why the sadness? I can remember Christmases past where the pain and longing in my heart for a family of my own was palpable. I felt like my heart might break in half and like I was carrying this massive load of pain and hurt and disappointment. I wanted to be busy sneaking around with presents from Santa. I wanted Christmas dresses to iron and little reindeer pajamas spinning in the dryer. And all I had were doctor appointments, negative pregnancy tests, and giant holes in my heart with each passing month.
We battled. And Christmas, a time centered around family and friends and goodness all around, made me feel even more alone and desperate.
This picture was from the last Christmas before I became a mom. My heart was broken and I was consumed by what I was missing. A friend snapped this picture without me knowing, but it sums up where we were that Christmas. Trying so hard to be okay with what we had going on, all while screaming inside that this was not what we had planned for our lives.
I feel compelled this Christmas to take pause and remember those around me who have lost significantly this year. I had to stop, in the middle of my preparations for this crazy next 24 hours and take a minute to share with you what I know in my heart to be true. God loves you. He sent His Son as a baby 2015 years ago so that you would have HOPE. He is orchestrating things in your life and even though the pain and emptiness is there, I promise you He is in the middle of it with you.
To my friend who is mourning the lose of her babies this Christmas, God sees you.
To my cousin who can't crawl into bed alone after watching her husband die well before he was old and gray, God sees you.
To my girlfriends wishing they had a ring on their finger and a car full of kids this Christmas, God sees you.
To my friend who knows that the baby she is carrying is struggling, God sees you.
To my sweet friend waiting for that 'you've been matched with a baby' phone call, God sees you.
To my friends who are struggling being away from their family this Christmas, God sees you.
If Christmas brings more pain than merriment this season, please know that you are seen, you are loved, and God is working on your behalf, now and always.
Merry Christmas loved ones. Please be kind and gentle this Christmas. Love your friends and family well.
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