Vacation is over!
After Hannah was born, I decided that I needed a break from sharing what has been happening in my life and focus all my attention on the precious little gift in front of me. Motherhood was sprung on me and I wanted to be really great at it, so I put lots of "extras" on hold.
However, I am feeling so much more comfortable in my new role, and I am excited to share what God has been teaching me through this gigantic change, through friendships, and through life in general. I am still on a quest to be a joyful person, no matter what, and I want to continue sharing these experiences through one of my favorite avenues- BLOGGING!
Thank you for taking time to be a part of my journey!
*MB*
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Mother's Day
How can I even begin to describe how it feels to be a part of this special day to honor mothers? There are honestly no words to describe the feeling of waking up on a Sunday morning to a beautiful little girl singing in her cradle right next to my bed. I propped myself up on my arms and looked over at her, and she flashed a huge smile my way that spoke a thousand words. "You are my mama, I know I can trust you to always be here for me, and I am so happy to see your face." I melted, because I have never been so happy to see her face either.
Mother's Day has been painful for me in the past. Being so far away from my own mother, it makes days like this feel a little lonely. Oh yeah, and there was the whole not having children part that made Mother's Day particularly painful for me.
My journey to motherhood started well before I was married and actively trying to get pregnant. It started when I was 21 years old and told by my first doctor that I needed a hysterectomy. There have been several doctors that followed who agreed. Every time I heard those words I would check that doctor off my list and move on. I was not going to take NO for an answer.
Once Josh and I got married our lives were consumed with doctors appointments, specialists, tests, shots, and surgeries but we never took our eyes off the prize.
And then, one day, we got that phone call that Hannah needed a home. Our lives were forever changed. Sometime I still weep when I think of what a miracle she is. The thing that gets me today is that God knew from the get go that she was going to be my daughter. He knew that despite my pain last Mother's Day that he was already shaping and forming my sweet little girl. I am blown away by God's timing and grace in my life.
I have always struggled with insecurity and feeling a little invisible. Today I don't feel that. Today I feel loved. I feel important because the Creator of the Universe hand picked this child to be mine. Today I feel blessed beyond words.
When I was blogging about my struggles to conceive I would get dozens of emails and messages from couples who were struggling as well. I loved that aspect of my blog because it felt like there was good coming out of my pain; I was able to relate to people and encourage them because I understood. I have struggled a bit with the identity of my blog now that I am a mom, feeling a little guilty using this forum to talk about my life, struggles and all, because I am a mom.
Yet, I feel compelled to say to my readers who have walked this road with me, if you are struggling because life isn't turning out the way that you planned, take heart. God loves you, he sees you pain, and He has a plan. Don't take your eye off of the prize. Pray about it, work hard for it, but mostly trust God to provide. My journey to motherhood certainly did not go the way I imagined it would. I still struggle at times with that- I wouldn't want any other baby than Hannah, but I would have loved to feel her kick first and to be there the second she first cried out. But, her story and ours is beautiful and powerful and leaves all eyes pointed towards God.
I don't know what the future holds for our family. I know that my hearts desire is still very much to get pregnant. I pray that God has more adopted children in our future as well. Whatever the case my be, I know that every time I get discouraged, all I have to do is look at my sweet baby and I am brought right back to what is most important. God is good, no matter what stage of life we are in.
This Mother's Day I am celebrating the gifts that motherhood has brought me in just four short months. I held my baby in church and cried the most joyful tears as I looked at her and celebrated a gracious God who heard the cries of a young girl. God has given me the desire of my heart and despite the pain along the road, my heart feels full and happy today. The bumps and bruises seem to fade away.
Happy Mother's Day to those who are mothers and those praying to become mothers. My prayer is that whatever phase you are in right now, that you would feel loved and blessed knowing that God hears your prayers and is working on your behalf.
Mother's Day has been painful for me in the past. Being so far away from my own mother, it makes days like this feel a little lonely. Oh yeah, and there was the whole not having children part that made Mother's Day particularly painful for me.
My journey to motherhood started well before I was married and actively trying to get pregnant. It started when I was 21 years old and told by my first doctor that I needed a hysterectomy. There have been several doctors that followed who agreed. Every time I heard those words I would check that doctor off my list and move on. I was not going to take NO for an answer.
Once Josh and I got married our lives were consumed with doctors appointments, specialists, tests, shots, and surgeries but we never took our eyes off the prize.
And then, one day, we got that phone call that Hannah needed a home. Our lives were forever changed. Sometime I still weep when I think of what a miracle she is. The thing that gets me today is that God knew from the get go that she was going to be my daughter. He knew that despite my pain last Mother's Day that he was already shaping and forming my sweet little girl. I am blown away by God's timing and grace in my life.
I have always struggled with insecurity and feeling a little invisible. Today I don't feel that. Today I feel loved. I feel important because the Creator of the Universe hand picked this child to be mine. Today I feel blessed beyond words.
When I was blogging about my struggles to conceive I would get dozens of emails and messages from couples who were struggling as well. I loved that aspect of my blog because it felt like there was good coming out of my pain; I was able to relate to people and encourage them because I understood. I have struggled a bit with the identity of my blog now that I am a mom, feeling a little guilty using this forum to talk about my life, struggles and all, because I am a mom.
Yet, I feel compelled to say to my readers who have walked this road with me, if you are struggling because life isn't turning out the way that you planned, take heart. God loves you, he sees you pain, and He has a plan. Don't take your eye off of the prize. Pray about it, work hard for it, but mostly trust God to provide. My journey to motherhood certainly did not go the way I imagined it would. I still struggle at times with that- I wouldn't want any other baby than Hannah, but I would have loved to feel her kick first and to be there the second she first cried out. But, her story and ours is beautiful and powerful and leaves all eyes pointed towards God.
I don't know what the future holds for our family. I know that my hearts desire is still very much to get pregnant. I pray that God has more adopted children in our future as well. Whatever the case my be, I know that every time I get discouraged, all I have to do is look at my sweet baby and I am brought right back to what is most important. God is good, no matter what stage of life we are in.
This Mother's Day I am celebrating the gifts that motherhood has brought me in just four short months. I held my baby in church and cried the most joyful tears as I looked at her and celebrated a gracious God who heard the cries of a young girl. God has given me the desire of my heart and despite the pain along the road, my heart feels full and happy today. The bumps and bruises seem to fade away.
Happy Mother's Day to those who are mothers and those praying to become mothers. My prayer is that whatever phase you are in right now, that you would feel loved and blessed knowing that God hears your prayers and is working on your behalf.
Friday, February 10, 2012
The Baby We Prayed For
Our sweet baby is one month old now! She changes everyday! Now she makes and maintains eye contact, eats 3 whole ounces every meal, and sleeps for longer than an hour at a time! She has gained a pound since birth and grown a whole inch.
Over the past month, Josh and I have started to realize just how big of a story we are living in. As we begin to discover the vast impact that Hannah's birth and addition to our family has made, I am committed to sharing with my faithful readers. I don't think I can even begin to comprehend just how far reaching this story goes, as even last night as Josh and I went to eat at a restaurant, we ran into an old friend who knew our story. Let me be clear, God's hand has been working in our lives well before we even knew it. His plans for our lives are far greater than either of us could ever imagine.
Last April, our church issued a challenge to begin eating like two-thirds of the world eats. I blogged about it and really felt God using that week to speak to me. Josh and I discussed the impact that a week without much food had on us, and decided to begin fasting. We weren't really sure how fasting worked in a spiritual sense, but we knew that we felt called to beginning this discipline. We wrote to a few close friends and family members and asked them to fast with us, every Tuesday. We wanted to specifically fast to pray for a child. We wanted to practice faithfulness and hope. As each month went by and we still were childless, we needed to actively pursue faithfulness and hope.
If you have ever fasted before, you know that sometimes it feels incredible. Your day is filled with focused prayers and you hit your pillow at night feeling like in your own weakness Christ is strong. But sometimes, it is hard. Hunger is a powerful feeling. It impacts your every emotion and leaves you feeling weak and helpless.
There were certainly Tuesdays where our fasting day ended feeling sad and discouraged. Oftentimes, we would pray that I would get pregnant just so we could stop fasting. It is not pretty to revisit some of those discouraging feelings, but it is a huge part of our journey. With each Tuesday, we felt God calling us to keep our eyes on Him. We became more and more aware of the need for a miracle. We also felt like we were breaking through in a spiritual sense to the very core of who God is and what He wants for our lives. God was actively teaching us to follow His leading and we were learning to do so without question. Our fasting days impacted more aspects than just fertility. We began to take a closer look at our finances and started examining our hearts.
Last week, Josh decided to look back and see how many Tuesdays we had fasted. Hannah was born on January 9, 2012. We did not find out that she was in the world until Tuesday, January 10. On the 10th, my mom and I were struggling to get our to-do-list completed that day because our hunger was particularly brutal. And then we got the call that she had been born, and that we should come to the hospital. I was not surprised that it was on a Tuesday that I would hear my daughter was born. What I was surprised about, however, was when Josh breathlessly called me to say that our fast began April 11, 2011. I am no mathematician, but if you will, take a minute and realize that that is exactly 40 weeks. For 40 weeks, Josh and I denied ourselves food to pray for a baby. We met every single Tuesday night by the side of our bed, on our knees, asking God to bless us.
I do not believe in coincidences. I believe in a God who is much bigger than chance. I believe that our days are numbered. For Hannah, that could not be more accurate.
I don't share this story to toot our horn and say, "Look at how spiritual we are..." Quite the contrary actually. I have mulled over even sharing this detail with my readers for almost a week because I want to be careful that you don't take that away from this amazing story. To God be all the Glory. God had a plan for a baby conceived in the middle of April. He had a plan for a woman desperately seeking to be a mom. He had a plan for a man who would make a great dad.
The one thing I was struggling the most with when I knew Hannah would be our daughter was the fact that I was not able to pray specifically for her growth and development while she was in her birth mom's womb. I kept saying, I guess it is a good thing God doesn't need my prayers to make her. But, I was praying for her...for the entire time she was being created and knit together.
We serve a great God. I am blown away by His goodness in my life. I have never questioned that He is good. I have struggled with Him being good to ME. I have felt that I don't deserve good things and that I am insignificant. I have struggled as I considered how desperate others are for a miracle, and I felt selfish letting my prayers be dominated by my own hurts. Yet, God's goodness does not run dry. He cares just as much about my heart's desires as he does the next person's. I am not insignificant to Him; He just needed me to learn how to trust Him so he could unveil his excellent, perfect plan for my life.
Fasting by no means is a formula to get what you want. Don't be confused by that. If you have never fasted, I encourage you to try it, but be sure you understand that it has so much more to do with where your heart is than what you get in the end. We wanted to show God that we were capable of being faithful and that we were willing to deny ourselves for our hearts' desire. God wanted to teach us lessons that could never have been learned without the hurt and struggle.
When I started this blog, I refused to let my pain get the best of me. I knew God was going to be at work in my life and I wanted to be able to share what he was teaching me. I am so thankful that this is MY story. It trumps every possible ending I could have imagined happening on our journey to start a family.
As I write this, Hannah is sleeping right next to me. She is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I adore every little noise she makes. I could kiss her all day. I am so thankful that God brought her to us. I would fast 4,000 Tuesdays just to kiss her soft cheeks.
Over the past month, Josh and I have started to realize just how big of a story we are living in. As we begin to discover the vast impact that Hannah's birth and addition to our family has made, I am committed to sharing with my faithful readers. I don't think I can even begin to comprehend just how far reaching this story goes, as even last night as Josh and I went to eat at a restaurant, we ran into an old friend who knew our story. Let me be clear, God's hand has been working in our lives well before we even knew it. His plans for our lives are far greater than either of us could ever imagine.
Last April, our church issued a challenge to begin eating like two-thirds of the world eats. I blogged about it and really felt God using that week to speak to me. Josh and I discussed the impact that a week without much food had on us, and decided to begin fasting. We weren't really sure how fasting worked in a spiritual sense, but we knew that we felt called to beginning this discipline. We wrote to a few close friends and family members and asked them to fast with us, every Tuesday. We wanted to specifically fast to pray for a child. We wanted to practice faithfulness and hope. As each month went by and we still were childless, we needed to actively pursue faithfulness and hope.
If you have ever fasted before, you know that sometimes it feels incredible. Your day is filled with focused prayers and you hit your pillow at night feeling like in your own weakness Christ is strong. But sometimes, it is hard. Hunger is a powerful feeling. It impacts your every emotion and leaves you feeling weak and helpless.
There were certainly Tuesdays where our fasting day ended feeling sad and discouraged. Oftentimes, we would pray that I would get pregnant just so we could stop fasting. It is not pretty to revisit some of those discouraging feelings, but it is a huge part of our journey. With each Tuesday, we felt God calling us to keep our eyes on Him. We became more and more aware of the need for a miracle. We also felt like we were breaking through in a spiritual sense to the very core of who God is and what He wants for our lives. God was actively teaching us to follow His leading and we were learning to do so without question. Our fasting days impacted more aspects than just fertility. We began to take a closer look at our finances and started examining our hearts.
Last week, Josh decided to look back and see how many Tuesdays we had fasted. Hannah was born on January 9, 2012. We did not find out that she was in the world until Tuesday, January 10. On the 10th, my mom and I were struggling to get our to-do-list completed that day because our hunger was particularly brutal. And then we got the call that she had been born, and that we should come to the hospital. I was not surprised that it was on a Tuesday that I would hear my daughter was born. What I was surprised about, however, was when Josh breathlessly called me to say that our fast began April 11, 2011. I am no mathematician, but if you will, take a minute and realize that that is exactly 40 weeks. For 40 weeks, Josh and I denied ourselves food to pray for a baby. We met every single Tuesday night by the side of our bed, on our knees, asking God to bless us.
I do not believe in coincidences. I believe in a God who is much bigger than chance. I believe that our days are numbered. For Hannah, that could not be more accurate.
I don't share this story to toot our horn and say, "Look at how spiritual we are..." Quite the contrary actually. I have mulled over even sharing this detail with my readers for almost a week because I want to be careful that you don't take that away from this amazing story. To God be all the Glory. God had a plan for a baby conceived in the middle of April. He had a plan for a woman desperately seeking to be a mom. He had a plan for a man who would make a great dad.
The one thing I was struggling the most with when I knew Hannah would be our daughter was the fact that I was not able to pray specifically for her growth and development while she was in her birth mom's womb. I kept saying, I guess it is a good thing God doesn't need my prayers to make her. But, I was praying for her...for the entire time she was being created and knit together.
We serve a great God. I am blown away by His goodness in my life. I have never questioned that He is good. I have struggled with Him being good to ME. I have felt that I don't deserve good things and that I am insignificant. I have struggled as I considered how desperate others are for a miracle, and I felt selfish letting my prayers be dominated by my own hurts. Yet, God's goodness does not run dry. He cares just as much about my heart's desires as he does the next person's. I am not insignificant to Him; He just needed me to learn how to trust Him so he could unveil his excellent, perfect plan for my life.
Fasting by no means is a formula to get what you want. Don't be confused by that. If you have never fasted, I encourage you to try it, but be sure you understand that it has so much more to do with where your heart is than what you get in the end. We wanted to show God that we were capable of being faithful and that we were willing to deny ourselves for our hearts' desire. God wanted to teach us lessons that could never have been learned without the hurt and struggle.
When I started this blog, I refused to let my pain get the best of me. I knew God was going to be at work in my life and I wanted to be able to share what he was teaching me. I am so thankful that this is MY story. It trumps every possible ending I could have imagined happening on our journey to start a family.
As I write this, Hannah is sleeping right next to me. She is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I adore every little noise she makes. I could kiss her all day. I am so thankful that God brought her to us. I would fast 4,000 Tuesdays just to kiss her soft cheeks.
To God be the Glory...He is to be praised!
Friday, January 13, 2012
Our Miracle
A lot has happened in our home in the past three weeks.
We will do our very best to capture the events that transpired in the past few weeks and days!
Let me introduce you to our miracle:
Hannah Grace Meyer
Born: January 9, 2012 at 9:01 PM
7 lbs 1 oz and 20 inches long
Two words: Pure Perfection.
We are parents.
I am a mommy.
Josh is the most adorable daddy in the history of mankind.
About three weeks ago we got a phone call from Josh's aunt. She was hesitant to tell us that their was a woman at her school who had a young girl living with her that was expecting. The girl, who we will call Summer, was interested in placing her baby for adoption and wanted to know if we were interested. Josh's aunt had told a friend at work about our struggles in trying to start a family and had asked for prayer for us. This news made it through the grapevine, and our longing for a baby was just the solution that Summer was looking for. She is very young and wanted someone to give her baby the life she knew she could not provide.
We prayed for a full 24 hours before sitting down and calling Summer. Her mom answered our call and after about 20 minutes of talking to her, we decided to meet in person. We were excited, but cautions because we were not sure if this was even a possibility.
My best friend Grace came to town the next day and with her help, we decided to call an adoption agency and see if there was any way that they could get involved. We spoke to a case worker who could only mutter 3 words, "This is remarkable."
After several phone calls, we decided that going with an agency would be in our best interest and in the best interest of Summer. She had no idea how the world of adoption works and having a social worker to sit down with her and talk everything over would be and is the best thing for her. We were overnighted the paperwork and began the long, daunting process of filling out forms.
In the meantime, we had Christmas. You wouldn't know it was Christmas in our home aside from the tree in our living room and the Fresh Balsam candle burning into all hours of the night. Our home was filled with paperwork, lots of coffee, Diet Coke, and Pandora. We worked on our paperwork for about 18 hours. Each of us answered 48 essay questions ranging from our views on discipline to what our physical life is like. Our lives became an open book and privacy was quickly checked at the door.
We flew home to celebrate Bekah Jenkins becoming a Palmer when she married my brother JJ. We also were able to ring in the New Year in classic Palmer style. Josh and I sipped our bubbly, confident that 2012 would be sensational and very thankful that 2011 was coming to a close. We have learned so much from our nearly two years of longings for a child, and we will never forget those lessons, but the hope inside of us began to brew the closer we got to our babies due date.
We flew home after a lightning-quick-trip to Tucson and began our home study. We were interviewed together and separately. We were finger printed. Oh, and we scraped together $10,000 to pay the adoption fees. We started calling our close friends and family members to share the good news. Everyone was shocked, but overwhelmed by God's goodness.
And then we waited. The last week has felt like an entire year as we waited for her arrival. My mom flew into town and we spent hours at the fabric store and wandering around Target's baby department trying to pass the time while also trying not to drain our bank account. I felt like a teenager again, waiting for a boy to call me.
And then it happened. It finally happened. I called Josh and work and screamed, "SHE IS HERE! SHE WAS BORN! COME HOME!"
Josh flew home from work in record time and we packed the car and started the longest hour and 30 minute drive of my life down to the south side of town to meet our baby. We walked in the hospital room and everything went hazy around me. All I could see was a bundle wrapped in white with a tuft of hair sticking out.
As they handed me my daughter, all my limbs went numb and yet, I have never felt more alive. My heart swooned as I wept with tears of great joy. My whole world became right as I snuggled her in close. Her smell is intoxicating. He lips are a perfect shade of red. Her blond tufts of hair are pure silk. Pure perfection were the only words swirling on my tongue. Pure Joy.
And today she is ours...papers were signed this morning. Summer has been so sweet through this whole process and now, she gets to go back to being a kid. I know her heart is still very much broken and a lot of healing will need to take place in the next few years, but I am so thankful for her and for her choice to guard this precious life inside of her for 9 months. I cannot think of a more selfless thing to do than to deny your own feelings and give your baby up so that she can have a better life. I will always love Summer and their will always be a special place for her in our hearts.
And now I am going to go snuggle my sweet girl. I am going to kiss her for 7 straight days and love on her with my whole heart. Hannah Grace Meyer- You are the baby we have prayed for. You are the sweet angel God has had in heaven specifically for me. It must have broken God's heart to say no to me over and over again each month as I begged him for a child, but he had you in mind and had to say no to me so that he could say YES to you. I have been on my knees begging God for you, just like Hannah prayed for Samuel in 1 Samuel 1. By God's Grace you are ours. Hannah means Grace in Hebrew. You are our double portion of Grace. Praise God from whom all blessings flow.
1 Samuel 2:1-10
Hannah's Prayer
1 Then Hannah prayed and said:
“My heart rejoices in the LORD;
in the LORD my horn[a] is lifted high.
My mouth boasts over my enemies,
for I delight in your deliverance.
2 “There is no one holy like the LORD;
there is no one besides you;
there is no Rock like our God.
3 “Do not keep talking so proudly
or let your mouth speak such arrogance,
for the LORD is a God who knows,
and by him deeds are weighed.
4 “The bows of the warriors are broken,
but those who stumbled are armed with strength.
5 Those who were full hire themselves out for food,
but those who were hungry are hungry no more.
She who was barren has borne seven children,
but she who has had many sons pines away.
6 “The LORD brings death and makes alive;
he brings down to the grave and raises up.
7 The LORD sends poverty and wealth;
he humbles and he exalts.
8 He raises the poor from the dust
and lifts the needy from the ash heap;
he seats them with princes
and has them inherit a throne of honor.
“For the foundations of the earth are the LORD’s;
on them he has set the world.
9 He will guard the feet of his faithful servants,
but the wicked will be silenced in the place of darkness.
“It is not by strength that one prevails;
10 those who oppose the LORD will be broken.
The Most High will thunder from heaven;
the LORD will judge the ends of the earth.
“He will give strength to his king
and exalt the horn of his anointed.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
One Track Mind
I nanny one of the sweetest little two year old boys in the whole world. I have been taking care of him since he was five months old, and have watched him grown and change. Every single day, he tries something new or says a word I didn't know that he could say. This morning I gave him key lime yogurt. I don't think he has ever tried key lime yogurt. He took his first swallow, looked up at me, and said "Ohhhh! That is yummy!" I melted.
There is one thing, however, about two year old boys - they are not as easily distracted as one year old boys. If he wants something, he does not back down. He polished off his key lime yogurt in about 39 seconds. He opened the fridge, and began asking for another yogurt. I usually grocery shop on the weekend, but my schedule was thrown off this weekend and I only had that ONE yogurt. Enter in the tales of the terrible twos. He fell to the ground and started saying...no - yelling "More yogurt!" After sitting him on my lap and explaining to him that he had eaten the last yogurt, he started wandering around the house crying, "More yogurt!" No matter what I offered, including cookies, he still cried "MORE YOGURT!" That was all he could think of. He has a one track mind.
But are we really all that different?
I started writing my prayers in my journal about two months ago. I felt like my prayer life lacked intention and focus and I figured that actually hand writing my prayers would help me in that department. It has been really helpful. I fill page after page on a daily basis and I am grateful to have an account of the ways that God has moved in my life.
However, yesterday, I decided to look back over my prayers. I was a little bit ashamed that every single day, I begged God for the exact same thing. My prayers are not eloquent. They are not graceful. Page after page is filled with the request for one thing. Sure, I pray for others. I list friends out by name and spend time praying on their behalves. But, for every paragraph written for others and for every paragraph of praise, I am sure there are five paragraphs pleading with God to give us just one thing.
Don't get me wrong, I think it is very appropriate to spend time talking to God about what matters most to you. Philippians 4:6-7 says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."I think the only part of that verse that my prayers reflect is the "present your requests to God" part!
This month, in honor of Thanksgiving, I decided to participate in a challenge to post something you are thankful for every day on your Facebook status starting on November 1 all the way through Thanksgiving. I would be lying if I didn't admit that it is hard to think of what to be thankful for on some days. It isn't that I have nothing to be thankful for; it's that I am focused on what I don't have, and it consumes me. I am reduced to two year old stomping my feet and yelling, "MORE YOGURT!" instead of opening my eyes to the immense blessings in my life. God is opening my eyes to the point of Philippians 4:6-7. He is saying, "Stop being anxious", "Be thankful", "Give me your requests and take away My peace."
You see, when I and look around, this month has been absolutely filled with reasons to be thankful:
There is one thing, however, about two year old boys - they are not as easily distracted as one year old boys. If he wants something, he does not back down. He polished off his key lime yogurt in about 39 seconds. He opened the fridge, and began asking for another yogurt. I usually grocery shop on the weekend, but my schedule was thrown off this weekend and I only had that ONE yogurt. Enter in the tales of the terrible twos. He fell to the ground and started saying...no - yelling "More yogurt!" After sitting him on my lap and explaining to him that he had eaten the last yogurt, he started wandering around the house crying, "More yogurt!" No matter what I offered, including cookies, he still cried "MORE YOGURT!" That was all he could think of. He has a one track mind.
But are we really all that different?
I started writing my prayers in my journal about two months ago. I felt like my prayer life lacked intention and focus and I figured that actually hand writing my prayers would help me in that department. It has been really helpful. I fill page after page on a daily basis and I am grateful to have an account of the ways that God has moved in my life.
However, yesterday, I decided to look back over my prayers. I was a little bit ashamed that every single day, I begged God for the exact same thing. My prayers are not eloquent. They are not graceful. Page after page is filled with the request for one thing. Sure, I pray for others. I list friends out by name and spend time praying on their behalves. But, for every paragraph written for others and for every paragraph of praise, I am sure there are five paragraphs pleading with God to give us just one thing.
Don't get me wrong, I think it is very appropriate to spend time talking to God about what matters most to you. Philippians 4:6-7 says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."I think the only part of that verse that my prayers reflect is the "present your requests to God" part!
This month, in honor of Thanksgiving, I decided to participate in a challenge to post something you are thankful for every day on your Facebook status starting on November 1 all the way through Thanksgiving. I would be lying if I didn't admit that it is hard to think of what to be thankful for on some days. It isn't that I have nothing to be thankful for; it's that I am focused on what I don't have, and it consumes me. I am reduced to two year old stomping my feet and yelling, "MORE YOGURT!" instead of opening my eyes to the immense blessings in my life. God is opening my eyes to the point of Philippians 4:6-7. He is saying, "Stop being anxious", "Be thankful", "Give me your requests and take away My peace."
You see, when I and look around, this month has been absolutely filled with reasons to be thankful:
- Josh was declared cancer free after a mass was found in his chest.
- A dear friend got engaged to a Godly man.
- A friend we have been praying for came to Christ and was baptized. I get to spend eternity with her in heaven now.
- God has provided for us this month, more than I could even dream possible.
- We found out that our insurance covers infertility treatment 100%. Unheard of.
- My parents have defied the odds and celebrate 31 years of marriage today.
- God has brought restoration to friendships that I desperately need.
I am so thankful for a patient God. I am thankful that He loves me even when my prayers are more like a angry two year old and less like a blessed soul. I am also thankful that He is teaching me how to pray. I am thankful that He is helping me hope. I am thankful that He calms my fears and draws me close to Him.
I have never had so much to be thankful for.
God is so good to me.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Expecting
No, I am not pregnant. But I got your attention, no?
I have been mulling over the concept of Hope. It is a word we use all the time. We say things like, "I hope dinner tastes good" or "I hope we can make it on time" but with many words in the English language, I think we cheapen this profound word.
Hope: To believe in, to desire, to trust. The dictionary definition for hope says it is to have the feeling that what is wanted can be had.
But let me be very earnest and frank for a minute. I struggle with Hope. Hope for me is admitting both in my heart and aloud that something means more to me than I even realize. For me, it is coming clean that my emotions and expectations are involved to the point that I could very well be setting myself up for disappointment. Hope for me is frightening. It makes me feel out of control and option-less. I feel vulnerable, like if I admit to myself my true hearts desire and it does not come about, I am left to pick up the pieces and I have never been very good at that.
Am I alone? I doubt it. We pray as though we have very little hope. We approach The Throne of the Almighty cautiously, afraid that if we ask for what we truly want, and if we let ourselves believe in the possibility, we might be left devastated, afraid that our faith will be shaken.
But what if, for a minute, we were able to pray expecting results. What if we were able to come before God and reveal our struggles? What if, instead of praying with a timid spirit, we came before God ready and willing to come clean, make our hearts desire known and then with great expectancy, we waited for Him to move on our behalf.
I have been walking with the Lord since I was five years old. My relationship with God has matured and deepened. I have never wavered, but I have struggled with doubt and fear. Yet, in my twenty-one years of walking with God, I think this might be the first time that I am having a break through about my prayer life. I am starting to see that I equate answered prayers with what God does for us in the physical realm.
Don't let that statement go misunderstood. I believe with my whole heart that God answers our prayers in a physical and tangible way. But, I think I am finally getting to the root of what it means to place our Hope in God.
What if, instead of praying about a specific situation and expecting or hoping for a specific answer, we instead began to place our requests in God's hands and hope in a Never Changing God. What if our Hope lies more in God's character than in what He can do for us? What if we began to pray for specific events with the Hope or expectancy that God is faithful, or kind, or gentle? What if we pray expecting God's character to never change, and we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and honest with a God who promises to, "Preserve those who are true to Him" (Psalm 31:23)
I think my prayer life and my relationship with God has just changed, dramatically. I still have a list of requests for God. I still have very specific desires that I bring before The Throne, but my Hope lies more in what I know about God than in the way He answers my requests. Hope has more to do with remembering WHO God is than in what He can do for you.
Romans 5:1-5
"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into his grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so but we also glory in our suffering, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."
I have been mulling over the concept of Hope. It is a word we use all the time. We say things like, "I hope dinner tastes good" or "I hope we can make it on time" but with many words in the English language, I think we cheapen this profound word.
Hope: To believe in, to desire, to trust. The dictionary definition for hope says it is to have the feeling that what is wanted can be had.
But let me be very earnest and frank for a minute. I struggle with Hope. Hope for me is admitting both in my heart and aloud that something means more to me than I even realize. For me, it is coming clean that my emotions and expectations are involved to the point that I could very well be setting myself up for disappointment. Hope for me is frightening. It makes me feel out of control and option-less. I feel vulnerable, like if I admit to myself my true hearts desire and it does not come about, I am left to pick up the pieces and I have never been very good at that.
Am I alone? I doubt it. We pray as though we have very little hope. We approach The Throne of the Almighty cautiously, afraid that if we ask for what we truly want, and if we let ourselves believe in the possibility, we might be left devastated, afraid that our faith will be shaken.
But what if, for a minute, we were able to pray expecting results. What if we were able to come before God and reveal our struggles? What if, instead of praying with a timid spirit, we came before God ready and willing to come clean, make our hearts desire known and then with great expectancy, we waited for Him to move on our behalf.
I have been walking with the Lord since I was five years old. My relationship with God has matured and deepened. I have never wavered, but I have struggled with doubt and fear. Yet, in my twenty-one years of walking with God, I think this might be the first time that I am having a break through about my prayer life. I am starting to see that I equate answered prayers with what God does for us in the physical realm.
Don't let that statement go misunderstood. I believe with my whole heart that God answers our prayers in a physical and tangible way. But, I think I am finally getting to the root of what it means to place our Hope in God.
What if, instead of praying about a specific situation and expecting or hoping for a specific answer, we instead began to place our requests in God's hands and hope in a Never Changing God. What if our Hope lies more in God's character than in what He can do for us? What if we began to pray for specific events with the Hope or expectancy that God is faithful, or kind, or gentle? What if we pray expecting God's character to never change, and we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and honest with a God who promises to, "Preserve those who are true to Him" (Psalm 31:23)
I think my prayer life and my relationship with God has just changed, dramatically. I still have a list of requests for God. I still have very specific desires that I bring before The Throne, but my Hope lies more in what I know about God than in the way He answers my requests. Hope has more to do with remembering WHO God is than in what He can do for you.
Romans 5:1-5
"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into his grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so but we also glory in our suffering, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Choosing Joy
I recently listened to a Joyce Meyer (LOVE her) podcast about Joy. The message is titled “Give Yourself Permission to Enjoy Life.” It was one of those messages that hit me square between the eyes. I was on the elliptical while listening to the message. I ran quicker than I usually do (which isn't saying much). I hopped off and drove home as fast as possible - I had to take notes.
I encourage you to listen to her message, however, it was more about what was happening inside my heart as I heard her preach that is worthy of being shared. The entire point of her message was learning to live a joy filled life, while also using joy as a weapon against the devil, who wants you to be joy-less.
I had never stopped to consider the idea that the Joy of the Lord is actually a weapon that we can use to defend ourselves against the devil and his plans for destruction and despair.
I have to confess that I have been avoiding blogging lately because I find myself walking around rather deflated. My battle to live the life that God has called me to and my desire to be living a different life right now is conflicting. I have been doing everything in my power to avoid facing those feelings, which has resulted in a lot of mindless TV watching, lots of re-pins on Pinterest, and early bedtimes. Comfort on multiple levels has been my security blanket because the truth is I am hurting. I know in my heart I have taken the desire to have a family and shifted it to my one and only goal in life. I have made it into something much more glamorous, and the only thing that will really ever fulfill me.
And yet, the still small voice inside of me, when I allow myself to listen to it, reminds me that HE is enough, that HE alone fulfills me.
It is a part of our culture to hark on the "if only..." or "if this happened, than I would...." We think that if we could only land the perfect job, or bigger house, or better body our lives would instantly get better. For me, I have always thought that skinny people are happier because what's to hate if you are skinny? I figured if you are skinny, you can buy whatever you want and look cute. Guys would automatically want to date you if you were fine-boned. But, I have met some really unhappy thin people. For a long time, when things didn't go right for me, I figured that being thin would solve all my problems. This has resulted in a lot of self-loathing, horribly unhealthy magic diets, and work out programs that were never realistic. I still struggle with that mindset. I think a lot of us do.
But, I was reminded this week that God wants us to live the life He has called us to live. Self-loathing, pity, depression, anxiety, frustration and fear are all a part of the devil’s plans to get us off track and to make us lose focus.
John 10:10 says, “The thief comes to only to steal, and to kill, and to destroy; I come that they may have life and have it to the full.”
Over this past week, I have taken some time to step back and assess what it is that I need to be doing to not numb my pain and ignore my frustration. Here is what I have found:
1. Spend time with the Lord. Everyday. No matter how busy I get.
2. Read God's Word. It is a Living Word and He uses it to speak directly to us.
3. Pray. Pray for your own situations and pray for others. Taking time to pray for your own life allows you to recognize what you need to let God take control of. Praying for others helps us take our eyes off of ourselves!
4. Expect God to hear and answer your prayers. Assuming He won't is not practicing trust or hopefulness, and it doesn't allow the Power of God to rule in your life or the lives of others.
5. Find ways to bless others. It really lifts your spirits to know you have blessed someone, and it of course blesses them.
6. Get off your duff and do something. Mind numbing activities do not pull you out of slumps; they only perpetuate the situation.
7. Do what you know makes your body feel better. Eating right and being active help combat the blues from the inside out.
8. Share your struggles with someone who will listen to you. Being heard, with no input on how to fix your problems, helps so much.
These are the 8 things I am focusing on right now. I don't want to squander the life God has for me right now. My life isn't simply about the big life altering moments (like having a baby). It is about being faithful on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday....well, you get it. It is about letting God rule in my heart and being proactive when it comes to choosing Joy.
What can you do to proactively choose Joy this week?
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