Desires and Goals.

I had the privilege of sitting under one of the more humble and meek teachers I have ever met. He was one of those teachers who cared much more about who we became than who we were. As a senior in high school, I think we were sort of in limbo between those two phases in life. We were torn between living in the moment and starting to look into the future as we made crucial decisions regarding our futures. We were still children, however. This man got up every single day in front of us and taught from his heart. I have a feeling he knew that what he said often fell on deaf ears but he planted the seed anyway. We were too busy dreaming about prom and trying to figure out how we would manage to get out of Tucson and on to bigger and better...But he spoke truth and the words he said still impact me.

He talked a great deal about the difference between our goals and our desires. He said that our goals are things we can achieve- things we work hard for knowing that our hard work will pay off. It is something we strive for in hopes of seeing a result. In the dictionary, a goal is defined as: a result or achievement in which effort is directed or aimed.

When I think of goals- I think of running a marathon. You train...running a little more every week. You prepare your body and your mind for what is to come. You work hard, pouring blood sweat and tears into this goal knowing that on the date of the marathon, your hard work will pay off. My friend, Grace, just ran a marathon. She trained hard, with a specific time in mind. She worked every single day to achieve this goal. On 10-10-2010 she ran in the Portland Marathon and blew her goal out of the water. Her hard work paid off. That is a goal.

Then there are desires. A desire is something that you hope for in your heart. It is something that often times we have no control over, but we want nonetheless. The dictionary defines a desire as: to wish or long for, to crave and want. Our desires are things we often pray for with great hope that the only One who has any say in granting those requests will hear us and find favor with us.

What our brilliant teacher in high school reminded us of is that sometimes we let our desires become goals- which is dangerous and often times heart breaking. We let our desire to find a mate become a goal and start pulling our our check lists. We let our desire for having a calling in life become a goal and we take job after job just to find them all not fulfilling. We let the things we want in our heart of hearts slip into the "Get it done" category in our heads and we tread thin ice. When we take control over our desires, we leave little room for God to work on our behalf. These words were spoken into my life over 8 years ago- yet I am still catching on to their meaning.

Josh and I knew before we got married that having children would be difficult. It was something we both desired passionately and were willing to do whatever it took to be able to see that desire come to pass. However, it is the perfect example of a desire- a gift from the Father that only he can give. Not long after we got married, that desire was granted. We were elated. From that moment on, our family was 3 instead of 2. We prayed constantly for our baby. I loved feeling sick because I knew that my desire was being granted...I woke up horribly sick every day around 3 am-

Until one day I didn't....it was the most painful experience physically, mentally, and spiritually that I have ever experienced. Josh and I were devastated- one of those crying-on-the-bathroom-floor experiences. We went over in our heads countless times what we could have done that would cause this. Did I forget to take my vitamin too often?  Was it the theme park we visited not knowing we were pregnant? Was it the antibiotics? Or was there just not enough room for a baby?

The closer our due date gets, the more I wrestle with this idea of goals and desires. I am working on making sure that my goals reflect my life as a Christ follower. My goal is to follow after Christ, to be a godly woman who works hard to be a witness to what Christ has done in my life. My goal is to love deeply and serve those in need. My goal is to be faithful to my calling despite everything around me that discourages me or disappoints me. My goal is to spend time with my Father despite the busyness that is always there.

But my desires? My desires need to be hard and fast rooted in Proverbs 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." My goal is to be delighted in the Lord...he will handle the rest.

Merry Christmas faithful readers- From my family of two to you, may your anticipation of Christs coming overrule your "To Do List"...

Birthdays

Today is my Birthday. Yippee! I love, Love, LOVE my birthday. I always have. I am 26 years old today and still, I count down every single year until my special day comes. I just love being celebrated and having one day to just feel special.

I am in the middle of celebrating, so I am sure there is much more to come. So far I have had breakfast in bed, flowers, a present from my honey (complete with a sweet, sappy card!), a birthday sign from the little one I babysit and some really thoughtful gifts from his family. I have received several phone calls and voicemails, countless texts and facebook messages. I feel celebrated, appreciated, and adored. I am just fine meeting my 26th year of life surrounded by the people I love who I know I can lean on when the going gets tough and life takes twists and turns.

I decided a few years ago that instead of making New Years Resolutions I would make birthday goals- Goals are so much more positive and exciting. I like who I am...I have worked hard to become the person I am...why change it all because the year is changing? Why not build upon that list?

Last year Josh and I sat down and wrote out a list of the goals we wanted to achieve before the next birthday. We picked one for every year old we were turning (Josh picked 28 and I picked 25). It was a fantastic way to spend our year checking things off. Our lists included various goals, some we had control over like going to a murder mystery dinner and others we did not, like getting pregnant. It gave us memories of our year and a reason to keep living an abundant life even when we didn't really feel like it.

What a blessing at the end of my 25th year to have checked so many things off my list. I am grateful to have been given yet one more year to live life to the fullest. I was given the chance to marry an incredible man, have a beautiful wedding, gain an amazing family to add to my already incredible and supportive crew, traveled ridiculous amounts, gained another sweet nephew, become a home owner, and the list goes on!

Bring it on 26! I can't wait....

Christmas Cheer

I adore Christmas. I pretty much can't even enjoy Thanksgiving because I know that Christmas starts the minute Thanksgiving is over. I am like a child, pressing my face against the glass looking out for Santa Clause from the second I am excused from the Thanksgiving table straight through the month of December.

I am sitting on the couch right now, listening to Christmas music, in front of the Christmas tree just smiling as I think about what the next few weeks will hold. Family, food, presents, and celebrating the birthday of the Most High...what could be better?

Usually I am right in the middle of the mix on "Black Friday". I am guilty of setting my alarm for ridiculous times, rolling out of bed and grabbing a stick of gum as I run off to spend my hard earned money on shirt and tie sets for my dad that are 75% off. I have fought down to the bottom of the barrel of DVD's with cranky middle aged women who are literally shoving DVD's down their coats. I have witnessed brutal attacks, including a man falling in a bin of what once was Snuggies...he should have moved faster. They take no prisoners. It is brutal. I have always loved it, not for the savings as much as the fact that the first shopping trip ushers in the start to the Christmas shopping, and as I many have mentioned before, I adore Christmas. This "Black Friday" Was different.

Our kitten woke up not feeling himself on Thanksgiving. I ended up spending the better half of Friday at the vet with little Simon. He is fine now, but he had a massive bladder infection which very well could have killed him. Thanks to our sweet and caring vet, he is back to being the little pest we love. While I sat in the vets office, I was really thinking about the start of Christmas.

I found myself sort of enjoying not being a part of the rush. Avoiding the hustle and bustle of the sales gave me the chance to go home with my little kitten and decorate. I summoned the courage to get the ladder out and brave our attic. I pulled all our Christmas decortications out, put on some Christmas music (Josh Groban of course...) and transformed our home into a winter wonderland. As I was setting up the Nativity, I found myself thinking about the Christmas Story. I paused for a while with Mary in my hands...

Mary was about 10 years younger than me. She was a virgin anticipating being married. I have been a bride before, I know what it is like to look forward to marrying a good man. God chose her because she had a good and pure heart. He asked her to do something painful and humiliating, and because of her obedience she was able to give birth to Jesus. I am really excited that my parents named me after this incredible woman.  I realized, that when we let God use us, when we are faithful and willing to surrender our will to God's will, good things happen. We celebrate those good things all year, but especially in December. Treasure this busy time. Enjoy shopping for something that lets your family know that you love them and care about them. Bake delicious treats with love for those around you. Embrace the season and let a little carol stir in your heart as we take an entire month to celebrate the birth of our King.

I am thankful for Mary's sacrifice of her reputation and willingness to surrender her entire body to God's will. I think that all my recent sufferings in that area of my life make me so much more thankful. What a gift- and the promise to us is that when we move out of the way and allow God to do His will, He will do what is best for us all the time, even if we don't always see it as the best.

What makes you joyful during the Christmas season?

Attitude

May I just start my blog by saying one big, giant Thank You! I have received countless emails, phone calls, and texts offering support and kindness and encouragement. I have had busy friends drop everything to sit and talk to me, bring me dinners, or take us out to lunch. The outpouring of kindness on the Meyer Household has been incredible. When I decided to make my struggle with this life altering sickness more public than private, I never imagined how blessed I would be by peoples generosity with their time and resources. I knew God wanted me to share because this is MY story and God will be Glorified in it. Not for a moment did I stop and think about what a blessing it would be to have friends and family praying for me all around the country (and world) in a time where that really is exactly what we need. So, THANK YOU. I know I have been bad about replying to every single email or message but I figured, a general thank you would suffice. Know that your kindness has changed our outlook on this entire process.

To catch you up on the medical side of things...

I started my hormone treatments a week ago today. I get an injection of the devil medicine one time every month. The medication is supposed to literally put my body through menopause instantaneously with the hope that the tumors will begin to die off. The tumors grow off of the estrogen that my body produces. My body is producing too much estrogen which is literally fueling the fire. The injections I am receiving are stopping that production completely and basically starving the tumors for 3 months until my body is strong enough to endure surgery.

Menopause is horrible. I imagine it is unpleasant to slowly go through these changes...but to walk into the doctors office as a 'normal' 25 year old and leave as a menopausal woman experiencing my own personal summers in the middle of November is horrible. I am nauseated by the quick changes, I cry for no good reason, and I just feel off. I sent contracts to my close friends and family making them swear that after 3 months of this they will still love me and not judge my irrational behavior!

I have had several people express their surprise that my surgery was done so quickly...to that I say, "Me too." The doctor felt it was necessary to break my surgery into 2 parts. That decision was made very quickly and within the week I was having the procedure. This first surgery was the 'easy' one in which he removed one of the tumors causing me the most problems. It sat low enough that he was able to go in with minimal damaged and remove parts of it. That should allow space for the rest of my organs to be okay and no longer be pushed out of the way. The next surgery is way more invasive and will require much more recovery time.

I am still exhausted and ready for bed at around 6 pm every night, but everyday I feel a little stronger. I think my determination not to let this run my life helps me get through the pain. I am working extra hours to get ready to take 6 weeks off but honestly, filling up my time helps. The less time I have alone to sit and feel sorry for myself, the better.

That sort of covers the medical side of things...as for the emotional side....

I have spent the past week or so really being convicted of my attitude. Life often is not what we wanted it to be. We are constantly faced with bad news, pink slips, funerals, divorce, rejection letters, miscarriages, painful break ups, or the ending of dear relationships. Those challenges don't go away. I have never met a person who was untouched by these painful experiences. The key in all of this, I am starting to discover is our attitude. I have every reason to be as angry as a hippo with all that is taking place in our lives right now. I feel icky most of the time. I am tired. I have little desire to do anything other than sleep. Yet, I refuse to let that run my life.

I am living in the midst of some really sweet firsts. I am experiencing my first year of marriage to a rock star of a husband. I am a first time home owner trying desperately to find the perfect pictures to hang on the walls. I am experiencing my first year in a new (and wonderful) family. If I let this year be about doctors visits, blood work, IV's, hormone injections, and pain, then the tumors win. I am defeated and for the rest of my life I will remember the pain and not the good. I choose to separate my desire to feel sorry for myself and embrace the joy that God has given me. I choose to go to Grandma's for Halloween the day after my surgery because the tumors will not win. I choose to look at a brand new baby and fight the urge to feel jealous and angry because  GOD has a plan, and "my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways." (Isaiah 55:8)

Believe me, it is a challenge. Some days I wake up more willing and ready to fight than other days. But I will win. The tumors will not cast a shadow on all the joyful things this life has to offer me. I refuse to have it any other way.

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: (in case you didn't hear me the first time...) REJOICE!"
(Philippians 4:4)

Dragging...

The theme of this blog is dragging...physically, emotionally, and even spiritually.

I had part one of my surgery last week. Friday morning Josh woke me up about an hour before we had to get up. Truthfully, I am sure neither of us were really sleeping, but we played the part. Laying like sausages in our warm and safe home knowing that morning would eventually come and we would eventually be making our way to the hospital and inevitably saying our goodbyes before being separated by doctors and nurses and anesthesiologists. We held hands and cried as he read me promises from God's Word that comforted my fears and reminded me that we serve a God who works miracles- especially for Sarah and Hannah and even the Virgin Mary. He prayed for me, because I could not. It was a beautiful picture of love- from the outside looking in. From the inside, it was what we needed to keep breathing. Oxygen for our suffocating lugs that just wanted to give up and say, "We surrender. We can't do it anymore."

I have never felt so completely loved and so completely alone as I did that day. I missed my parents- dreadfully wished they were there to hold my hands and pray with me and make jokes. I missed my brothers because they have a way of making a girl smile- pushing me around in a wheelchair avoiding disapproving glances from the nurses station. I missed having my friends THERE. Yes, I received plenty of texts and a few phone calls, but I missed the embraces and smiles that lighten up a situation. It was just me and Josh that day. It was sort of a picture of what we had gotten ourselves into. We were there because without the surgery, we would never see our dreams of parenthood coming true; Yet, we were there alone...two kids who weren't quite sure what we had gotten ourselves into, but knew at this point we were a family and we had each other. I vow I will never again allow my sweet husband to sit in a waiting room alone. No one should ever have to go at that alone...and even though he was smiling and laughing as we parted ways, I could see the dread in his eyes. Even if I have to borrow a random stranger in a waiting room, I don't want him sitting alone again.

I have been asked a thousand times over how the surgery 'went'. I am never sure how to answer that question, because often times it feels like people don't really want to hear the details. It is an uncomfortable topic to discuss. I think I am past the need for privacy considering this is not my first round at all of this. I have massive fibroid tumors growing in my uterus,  in the walls of my uterus, and on the outside. Huge. Massive. There are a few key players, but they are supported by thousands of little ones coating the entire lining. My doctor said that my insides look like cobble stone....pretty for a neighborhood but bad news in my case. The surgery was considered to be unsuccessful from the stand point that the doctor thought that he would be able to go in and remove the key players to give my blood supply a chance to catch up and my other organs a chance to not be squished by the tumors- this was not the case. He was shocked by what he saw inside of me.

We go back tomorrow for plan C. We have hope. Why else would we allow them to operate for the 5th time if we didn't foresee something good coming at the end of this?

The feelings I had at the very beginning of this are starting to return. I am remembering that people are incredibly awkward and say the wrong thing all the time or worse, don't say anything at all. I am hearing about everyone else's battle with getting pregnant and how adoption is always a good option for 'girls like me'. I sometimes literally have to bite the insides of my cheeks so I don't go off. People mean well. But, at this point, if the doctor doesn't fix me, I will die from this. That is way more our concern than having children- the children part is just the reason we don't throw the towel in...we can literally smell that sweet scent on a babies head...so we go...to the doctor 1-2 times a week...to the lab for blood tests weekly...in for biopsies because my blood counts are dangerously low...for procedures that I am told are more painful than child bearing...I would love to be given the chance to feel that kind of pain.

But we are dragging. Our house could tell you all about that...our carpet hasn't been vacuumed in weeks, our laundry might eat us alive one of these days. But the point is we are still here. We work, we eat, and we sleep, but we are here.

The theme of my blog is about being joyful. I am having an insanely hard time being happy these days- except when I am eating a Popsicle which I am pretty sure are straight from heaven. But I am joyful. I am joyful that Josh and I have never been closer. We are building a friendship, a partnership that could never be so strong without the intense pain and suffering that we go to bed with each night and wake up with in the morning. I am joyful that despite the pain, I know Who to turn to. I know that my Father is holding me in His hands and keeps a tight grip, reminding me that this is all for His Glory- and thank goodness for that because if there weren't a bigger picture for this, I think I would give up.

I am joyful...dragging...but joyful.    

Digging Deeper.

I know that it has been a few a little bit since I have posted- I wish it was because I have been fabulously busy flying all over the world vacationing. I have made a few attempts at posts, but walked away from them because they sounded just as confused as I have been feeling. 

This week I met with the specialist who confirmed that I would be needing surgery. The worst part of the news is that my body is not strong enough at this point to have the surgery. I have to wait it out until January- in the process going through all kinds of tests and medications to prepare my body for the surgery. I think I would rather the doctor say, "You need surgery. How does next week sound?" Three months? Three long grueling months of testing, pocking and prodding?  Three months of dread each and everyday about what is to come... 

The last time I had this surgery, I was given about 1 week to mentally prepare. I was hopeful and optimistic that it wouldn't be so bad and that I would recover in no time. That was not the case. I had a 4 night stay in the 'slammer' that were by far my most painful and horrible memories in my lifetime. I swore I would never have this surgery again...I would never take those dreaded first post-surgery steps...or even worse, that first nature calling. And here I am again...signing up for number 2.

I think that when I dig a little deeper, I am finding myself really questioning God. It has very little to do with the actual surgery (despite the pain) and a lot more to do with the fact that I am afraid of the outcome. To be frank, this surgery stands between having children and not. Because this is my 3rd surgery (2nd MAJOR one) the risks of not being able to have children bust through the roof. My doctor is the very best and has assured me that 99 out of 100 women, "get their happy ending" which is wonderful odds...unless you are that 1. 

I have really had to dig deeper this week. I have had to confront some painful memories from the past that I know I will have to face again- including questioning God and his plans for my life, and future family.

I think this is by far my most honest and open blog. I can only see them getting more honest from here on out. I am confronted with feelings of fear and anxiety. Yet, over all these things, God continues to say to me, "Cast all your anxiety on me...because I care for you..." 1 Peter 5:7. Or Psalm 37:4, "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart..."

It will be a long 3 months of repeating verses like that- confronting fear and anxiety with the Word of the Lord.

What verses do you use when gripped by fear?

My Story

I attended a breakfast this weekend where Shauna Niequist introduced her new book Bittersweet. Along with reading a bit from her book, she also gave a compelling challenge that our stories are what impact people for Christ the most. I walked away feeling really empowered, yet, at the same time, sort of confused.

Over the past few weeks, the services at church have all followed this same theme. The idea that what God is doing in your life is "SO THAT" He will receive all the Glory. It has been challenging...and hard to grasp.

Over the past few days I have really been wrestling over why this idea of sharing my story is difficult for me to do. I have decided that my perspective of stories limits me. I love books, but sequels drive me batty. I love movies, but again, slowly releasing parts of a story drive me nuts! I think the reason for this, and the reason behind my issues with 'my story' is because I like a beginning, a middle, and an end! I have been trained to read for clues and to look at foreshadowing. I love to contemplate and guess the ending of stories before I even know that much about the characters. I have even been known to write down what I think the ending of a story is and hide it away so that when I am dead on, I can go to it and say, "AHHA! I was right! I knew it all along!" Yet, my story, is smack in the middle. I am a constant work in progress. I feel like God has to go back over things with me time and time again- rewriting and editing. No one likes to read the same chapter over and over again, but sometimes that's exactly what I feel is happening with my story.

This week I am beginning round 3 with the exact same health battle I have been facing since 2006. Same story...different doctors...different 'lead characters'...but same exact story.  When I am at my best, I am able to see this as a chance to continue to lean on the Lord. A chance to let God work in my life and in my body and when it is all said and done, I will be a walking miracle. Yet, on my less than perfect days, I am frustrated with the rerun. I have already battled this feeling of helplessness. I have already learned that I have to trust God...and on and on.

Yet, I am drawn to the Word- the perfect beginning in the Garden of Eden, the fall, God sending His Son to die for my sins...and the incredible ending where Christ will return and make all things new again. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" This brings me an incredible amount of peace. I am a new creation...despite the reruns, the old has gone and the new is HERE!

I guess what I have taken away from this idea that my story is something to be shared- to use what God is doing, has done, and will do as a testimony of his greatness. My story is a lot like my guesses and predictions of good books- I don't really know the details, but I know where my life is going and I know what the end of my story is, because, I am in Christ....  

Knowing the ending has freed me to share my story, and to listen to other peoples stories...I am a work in progress, but this story is mine to tell and I cannot keep to myself the things that God has done in me and through me.